Archive for the The Journey Category

I was proud of my new helmet. It had a sun visor and a face shield that shaded my eyes. I pulled on layer after of layer of “performance wear” and inserted the new heated insoles into my shoes. It was a cool 28 degrees but I was ready to burn some rubber–bicycle tire rubber that is.

I quickly discovered that two pairs of gloves wasn’t enough. I would tuck a hand in a pocket for a mile and then switch hands. The wind was against me but I pushed through. I’m very stubborn and have a head as hard as an anvil. I wasn’t going to let a little cold weather and wind stop me. Mind over the elements, I said.

About halfway through my ride I got tired. I decided to “phone a friend”. The friend talked to me for about 10 miles, until I got within a mile from my house said goodbye. The steep incline to my street makes talking prohibitive. So I hung up and “bucked up” for the final stretch of my 27 mile trek around St. Charles County.

But then my tire caught on uneven pavement and I crashed into the road–right into oncoming traffic. I smacked my face and chest and tried to get up but I couldn’t. So I skootched my butt and tried to drag my bike out of harm’s way. Several people jumped out of vehicles to help me. A woman (whose name I don’t remember) grabbed my bike and handed me a paper towel. Blood was dripping from my left eye(which later bruised nicely but was not seriously damaged due to my new helmet). A young man in a white truck stopped traffic until I was out of the way. He then took my bike and me—home.

Between cracked ribs, a sprained wrist, and miscellaneous bruises, I was pretty miserable for a few weeks. I was also thankful. It could have been so much worse. I tried not to focus on the pain and instead on recovery. Finally, a month after the accident, I climbed back on my bike and set out.

What I discovered was nerve shattering–I had completely lost my confidence. Every patch of gravel, every uneven space, every blast of wind caused me to tense up with anxiety. I cut the ride short and aimed for home–feeling certain I would fall at any moment. I put the bike away and wondered how I would ever ride again.

I have faced many dilemma’s in my efforts to live a healthy lifestyle. Refined sugars clearly affect my neural pathways and need to be avoided at all costs. I haven’t done a good job of forsaking them this winter and have gained some weight. Therefore exercise is as important as ever. I am cultivating a mindset that if I “fall off the food wagon” I have to get back on again. And thus I am taking that approach with my bike. Fall off? Get back on. Crash into traffic? Recover and re-animate! But my confidence is still affected.

Back in the saddle again!

I set out today for a 30 mile ride. I plugged into a sermon series and tried to get my “footing” on the bike. The wind was fierce at times and I stopped on the side of the road several times to take a deep breath, adjust my saddle, and wait for traffic. But I made it 29 miles! And I was super proud that I was able to climb the steep hill back to my home without walking the bike. This is more than a “fake it until you make it” philosophy. The truth is, I HAVE to face my fear and conquer it if I ever want to enjoy riding my bike again.

There are a couple other areas of my life that I need to apply this mentality. I am really struggling to trust people after being hurt. It’s so difficult to forgive and to love people who have been so unkind. But this is the path Jesus walked and so must I.

I wonder what my dear readers are struggling with these days? Whatever it is, you can conquer it with Christ’s help. Just keep getting on the bike. Just keep trying to ride. He goes before us and He will deliver us.

“And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” – Matthew 24:12-13

I have become entirely too comfortable with bitterness. Cynicism glistens on my brow. The slick excrete reeks of anger and malice; byproducts of rancid emotions that refuse to rinse off. But this is nothing compared to the contents of my heart. My heart, I fear, has grown cold.

And I can’t stand it anymore. The lies propagated by corrupt politicians via their mouthpiece–the insipid media–have turned my stomach sour. Worse, my friends have failed me and I have failed them too. And I’m one step away from the edge of the cliff and there’s no one to save me. I feel utterly alone.

I spent three hours exercising this morning–chasing endorphins that might make me feel better. I’ve been eating too much again; but the “comfort food” does nothing but give me a tummy ache. That’s not true either. I’ve gained 16 pounds. I am ashamed of myself, but eating is the only time I feel better.

I made a comment on my Facebook fitness group that “I’ve lost control. I’m a failure.” One of the ladies disagreed.

“Margaret, you haven’t lost control. None of us have any control over so many things right now (covid, weather, etc.). This is hard what we’re doing right now. It’s important that we see this time as a type of adversity, a hardship to be worked through and conquered versus any kind of personal failure. I’m working hard daily to give myself grace.”

She’s right, of course. Then I remembered, it’s how we respond to adversity that matters.

I have been responding to adversity with hopelessness. And to hopelessness I have added anger. And to anger, envy of those who have better life circumstances. And to envy, malice, and to malice, hate. That hatred has grown into a rabid vine that has choked out every happiness. In short, I closed the windows of my soul to joy and the darkness feels like death. And the thing is, I just really need is a good, sturdy machete!

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” – 1 Peter 5:6-11

I feel pretty embarrassed writing all of this. After all, I’m supposed to be smarter than this. I really do read my bible every day and “pray without ceasing” but my adversary found the chink in my armor. My expectations of the repercussions of this fake pandemic did not match reality. I never anticipated so many people would be taken by the fake news media (myself included, early on). I didn’t expect to lose friendships over whether to mask or not, and–worst of all– to discover close family members hate me because of my faith in God. And since this seems to be our new reality–as in, it’s not going away–I have to find a permanent way to cope with it.

I have really appreciated Douglas Wilson’s blog. Thanks, Becky. And I have learned a lot from Dr. James White at Apologia Church. Thanks, Rick. I’ve started attending a new church, though I’m scared to trust church people again. But today I decided I am going to endure to the end. It takes courage to fight and I have decided I will be brave. I will brave the opinions of people who disagree with me. I will stand steadfast in my faith in Jesus Christ. I know I don’t have all the answers but I’m going to keep praying and trusting in the Lord.

With that in mind, I’m going to close with some verses I memorized several years ago in my struggle with food addiction. Maybe they will help the dear reader in their struggles? Or maybe no one is even reading my blog anymore. Either way, thank you God for the Apostle Peter. Where would I be without these words?

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins. (2 Peter 1:3-9)

“An innocent child is a beautiful thing
Secure in a Father’s arms
Sleeps while Mother sings
There’s no way to know
All the harm this world can bring
I miss my innocence
Oh to be innocent”

-Amy Grant “Innocence Lost”

I remember when I was a child and my mother would sing to me and rock me to sleep. I remember the melodies more than the words. I would try hard to stay awake because I loved her voice and the way it made me feel; safe, secure, and loved.

Much of the wonder of childhood is wrapped up in simple pleasures. The brilliance of a magnifying glass and a leaf on a sunny day. Freshly fallen snow. The gentle squeaking of a clown twisting balloons into a cute bunny rabbit.

I remember the first big disappointment I faced as a child. I was to spend the night with friends of our family and go to the zoo the next morning. I could not wait to see the animals. It was all I thought about for weeks. And then it started to rain. We drove to the friends house and prayed it would stop raining by the time morning arrived. It did not. So instead of going to the zoo I went home with a broken heart.

Innocence amplifies our responses to pleasure and pain. We develop our coping mechanisms by experience. We would not know fierce winds and billowing clouds were precursors to a violent storm unless we had previously been pelted by rain. Just as I never knew the danger of a flood until the storm sewers backed up and the street in front of my house turned into a river. I thought it was just water–like a swimming pool–until my parents pointed out the swirling whirlpool near the sewer grate and its ability to suck me to my death.

Much has been written about mental torment as a result of the pandemic. Suicide hotlines have seen an influx of callers as have child abuse hotlines and various social agencies. While some of us thought the economic impacts were the worst casualty, others grieved a loved one with no funeral. This goes without saying. But some of us are in worse shape than anyone can possibly imagine as we try to hold onto our jobs and our social circles while navigating the treacherous news cycles and social media platforms that have defined our lives in recent years. We seek out the nostalgia of pre-pandemic days as we try to evoke a sense of wellbeing, but reality comes hurtling toward us like a runaway train with all its fury and clamor. We stand staring while the conductor blares the horn but like a bad dream–we are unable to move.

So we ask ourselves, will life ever be the same? Is this our forever “new normal”?

I feel like Linus without his security blanket.

I’ll never forget my sister and brother stealing my place on my mother’s lap. This is the tragedy of being the oldest child. One day I was Mommy’s baby and the next I was the oldest and responsible for setting an example. I was no longer allowed to suck my fingers, or keep my security blanket, (yes, I had one) or climb into Mommy’s bed. I now realize growing up is a slow shedding of innocence and quite candidly, the older I get, the more awful it seems.

Yesterday I happened across an interview with Roger Joseph Manning, Jr., the founding member of a band I loved in high school: the Jellyfish. He described the song writer’s ability to make a melody that transports the listener into another reality. Even as a young song writer, he recognized this resplendent capability and leveraged a friendship to achieve the perfect album. They poured their hearts and souls into the project only to succeed musically but lose the friendship. Much to their grief, they didn’t even profit off the endeavor. Sure, they have a handful of fans but some “Benjamin’s” would have been nice too.

How many musicians and artists have leveraged blood, sweat and tears to never achieve the level of success they desired? If I were to hazard a guess, I would say too many. But I am still thankful for their sacrifice. In listening to those songs that brought me joy as a 15-year-old child, I somehow recaptured the wonder of my youth. For a few hours I listened–blissfully unaware of the pandemic or the host of other sorrows that have plagued me in recent days. I let the chords roll over me and felt the notes dissolve my pain. This kind of soul-healing salve is precious and utterly priceless. For that, Roger, I thank you.

Unfortunately, it seems that no area of life is untainted by pain but I suppose this is why lullabies exist. In our tired and fretful existence we forget the luxury of sleep and its impact on the weary soul. We need musicians to remind us to breathe and relax and rest. And so I end this blog with the lyrics from the first song on the album, Split Milk. I’ll sing it again and remember what it felt like to wonder and dream and hope for brighter days.

Hush

Jellyfish

Go to sleep and hush little darling.
It’s time for bed, time to put out the light.
Sweet dreams are awaiting behind your closed eyes
And a blanket of night.
Where the bed bugs don’t bite.
Go to sleep and hush until morning.
You’ve said all your prayers.
Time to make them come true.

Don’t worry your daddy is here
If you need him tonight.
Ease your mind.
Rest your eyes and sleep tight.
Goodnight.