Archive for the The Journey Category

There are days when everything feels wrong. All my doubts about my abilities attack like a swarm of killer bees and sting the stuffing out of me. I want to crawl into the corner and wail. After all, my heart hurts and self pity is fun. Ask Eyeore.

But when I stop and face the truth, I realize no matter how I “feel” I need to face the truth without discounting said feelings. And the truth is, I am not a victim unless I allow myself to be.

I have moments where I replay in my head something stupid I did and can’t take back. One of my big time regret moments was when I was in my early 20’s. I was out in the country at my grandparents farm with my future husband and brother. We were trying to catch frogs by holding extremely still and waving little red flag with hooks in front of bullfrogs. My brother was a young teenager and was having immense fun antagonizing me. This went on for an hour or so and finally, I told him to get the bleep out of there and leave us alone. Which he did. Probably 30 minutes passed and I heard him calling to me from behind the grass where I couldn’t see him. I was waving my little red flag in front of a particularly large bullfrog when my brother came careening out of the grass shouting “Margaret! Margaret!” And plop, the frog disappeared into the water.

I literally saw red. I was already frustrated with him and doggonit, it was time to tell him. Which I did. With one particularly colorful four letter word. And when I was done I heard a truck pull away and noticed that my grandma and several of my young cousins were with my brother and had all heard my tirade.

I was humiliated. And I’ve never really forgiven myself. My grandma didn’t berate me or say anything mean. She only said, “Margaret, I’m dissapointed.” I can still see her sad face and feel my brokenness. An apology can’t take back the bad word or the sentiment behind it, even if it was directed at my goofy brother. But the guilt reaches out through the years and hurts my heart to this day.

We all do foolish things now and again but for some reason it is really difficult for me to let go of the guilt. I do this with food too. If I indulge in my favorite chocolate cake and then can’t stop eating it, I will feel guilty for a week. There is some part of me that insists on doing penance for the wicked action. My guilt reflex is completely ridiculous but if there was a magnifying glass for my heart one would see the scars from the many times I have given myself 40 lashes plus one.

I was standing in the hall today dwelling on a more recent blunder when I realized I had better things to do than stand around feeling sorry for myself. First of all, if I spend time concentrating on my foolish behavior it takes away from my work. I was very busy today and literally did not have time to dwell on it.

So I stood up tall, clutched my laptop to my chest and took a deep breath. “No more!” I said. “I’m better than this. No more self pity. Time to pick up the pieces and move on.” And then a coworker walked by and looked at me funny and I pretended they hadn’t just heard me talking to myself.

Today if you feel guilty for something you did wrong, let it go. It does no good to hang onto it. Suck some fresh air into your lungs and let it all go while you exhale. You’ll feel better. I promise.

Now I’m going to call my grandma and make sure I’m forgiven for inadvertantly cussing her out 17 years ago. Because whether I meant to or not, I know it hurt her heart and I’ve hung onto it for 17 years too long.

And thanks Sheryl. It’s nice to be forgiven.

Switchfoot has a song on their CD “Vice Verses” called “The War Inside.” This song resonates with me because of the constant struggle I face living a healthy lifestyle. (To eat or not to eat, that is the question).

The chorus says,

I am the war inside.

I am the battle line.

I am the rising tide.

I am the war I fight

The worst adversary I will ever face is myself. I know all my weaknesses. I know how to talk myself into and out of anything. I know the truth behind every lie, no matter how small. I know exactly how many steps come between success and failure. I know the point at which I break, and I face all of this before I even begin to deal with external stimuli.

I don’t want to.

Sometimes one reaches a moment where they are faced with a task so inherently awful the war takes on a different hue. Everything I am in that moment screams to run as fast as I can to avoid coming into contact with the terribly horrible mundane task that seems utterly unimportant to everyone but my boss.

When I say I didn’t want to do it, I mean to say I would rather light myself on fire and face the possibility of permanent scarring if only to gain an excuse to get out of it. The enormity of said task sent me spiraling through the black hole of my conscious mind as I contemplated all the real life ways to get out of it.

1) Feign illness. After all, just thinking about the task made my head ache and my stomach churn.

2) Make excuses. I am a busy girl. I really don’t have the time. I just drop it down the priority list.

3) Tell the truth: I don’t want to do it.

All of these choices are problematic. The first and second only delay the inevitable. The last subjects my position to instability. After all, if I tell my boss I don’t want to do my job he might tell me he will find someone else to do it. And since I actually enjoy my paycheck it’s not a wise move. What to do? How one responds to such a dilemma usually defines how one is perceived in the workplace. You see, there are underperformers and overachievers. So the question really is this, which one do I want to be?

As this realization hit me I became very frustrated and made the only choice that felt legitimate: I went to lunch.

Procrastination works for me. It gives me time to sort out my feelings. It may sound silly, but the truth is adults must do mundane tasks if they want to keep their jobs. And while most days I enjoy the freedom adulthood provides there is always the occasional moment wherein I am reminded that I am nothing more than an indentured servant. I serve the company I work for. In return for this service they pay me wages. I use these wages to put food on the table and do fun things like buying gas for a nice long trip to the country. Completing boring tasks makes that possible and therefore there really is only one choice, just do it and get it over with.

The problem this time was the particular task was giving me so much heartburn I actually began to contemplate quitting my job. Then despair set in. Hunting for a new job is such a pain and the new job would probably have mundane tasks too. And then I began to cry. I am such a baby.

As I made the slow trek to heat up my lunch I did the only thing that made sense, I began to pray. I don’t pray because I’m particularly holy. I pray because honestly, I want God to swoop down from the heavens, and deliver me from whatever miserable circumstance I’m in. And yes, while He’s at it I’d like him to heap treasure chests full of gold at my feet. He is rich after all and being independently wealthy would solve a lot of my problems. It’s true, sometimes my prayers feel a lot like playing the God lottery. I’m always hoping to hit it big.

Today while begging for deliverance from the terrible task these words came to mind. “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think”(Ephesians 3:20).

In that moment of comprehension, I was fully aware that God knows my need and is fully capable of meeting it. Not only that, he is able to do far more than I could even think to ask for. This realization felt like a big warm hug from my Heavenly Father. Rich people have financial security but don’t always have peace. God provided something better to me in that moment than money, love.

After lunch I sat down and began work on the task. I won’t lie, it was horrible. Three long dreadful hours of analyzing information and translating it into something legible. But God was with me in it and helped me do it to the best of my ability. You see, sometimes God knows what we really need is for him to cheer from the sidelines while we work out our salvation. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. But what child doesn’t perform better with his parent watching. The child knows he has support. Sometimes our hope simply comes from knowing we are not alone.

I am the war inside. I am the battle line. I am the rising tide. I am the war I fight.

This scenario would play out much differently if I chose not to complete the task. I will be honest, a few years ago I would have begged out and made an excuse. But my journey to better health has taught me not to give up even when circumstances are miserable. I have something I didn’t have before, personal accountability. I know that even when no one is watching, I am personally responsible for my behavior. In a society where everyone is obsessed with status, good looks, and success, who I am on the inside makes tremendous difference in not only my own life, but the lives of those around me. That is why the choices we make are important. We might think no one is watching, but everyone is watching. And even if they aren’t, we know our actions have repercussions, if only for ourselves.

Who can’t relate to losing the will to continue down a difficult path? Everyone knows it takes discipline to reach a goal because there will inevitably come a point in time when you want to quit. In order to succeed you must take the necessary action even if it involves facing your worst fears. Sometimes your adversary is not even your worst fear; it is simply the mundane task that demands to be completed. Today I encourage those reading these words to face the difficult moment and choose to overcome it. It may be resisting a piece of chocolate cake when your body is screaming to be satiated with it. It may be choosing to forgive the cruel words carelessly tossed at you by someone you love. It may be deep sorrow or despair. Take courage in the knowledge that if you cry out to God he hears you. Even better, He will help you by meeting your need even if it is in a way you never expected.

It should be evident by this point that I dropped off the grid for a week. And while I’m not sure anyone noticed, I thought I’d acknowledge it. I’ve been on a journey of sorts, what you might call walking through the wasteland. I have tried analyzing it, tried to explain it(via diet or exercise) and I can’t come up with a definitive reason why. What I do know is this, on Tuesday of last week I woke up feeling healthy and alive and generally good. When I woke up Wednesday morning I felt as if I had passed into shadow.

Let me elaborate. I couldn’t get out of bed because I was very tired. So I didn’t work out and barely made it to work. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt sad, but I didn’t know why. There was no trouble at home, no particular challenge at work, other than the usual stress, and no overarching familial malaise. I couldn’t make a decision without intense concentration and even then, many things fell through the cracks. I struggled with basic tasks, picking out clothes, making my lunch and even going to sleep.

I tried rationalizing diet(I ate a small ice cream cone Tuesday night and thought maybe there were some offensive chemicals in it that were eating at my insides) I even thought maybe I was exercising too much and needed to rest(which I did). But the days continue to drag on and I feel no better than I did last Tuesday, except for the occasional coffee induced uptick in mood.

It is during these moments I begin to ponder the question many of us ask when depression, illness or catastrophe fall into our laps, why?

It is the great question of suffering, why must I endure it? I don’t want to sound melodramatic. Just because I don’t feel well I am obviously doing a lot better than say, Joni Eareckson Tada who is paralyzed from the neck down and fighting cancer. But I don’t want to oversimplify it either. I feel as if I am pressed into the earth by a large rock and no way to remove it. So how do I escape?

This depression is not new to me. I have endured it many times over the years. It comes and goes like the seasons. I am grateful that I understand my body more now than I did even 5 years ago. I used to lash out at everyone around me, blaming whoever was closest for my suffering. The main difference between then and now is that I recognize the signs and am able to formulate my responses to them.

In truth, I have been too exhausted to think much less write out my thoughts-which is why I haven’t posted here. I was too busy trying to decide what to purchase for my 16 year old son on the occasion of his 16th birthday. We are on a limited budget and I could not afford his number one pick. And this is where the going got really tough.

When I feel this bad, the only thing that makes me feel better is food. To make matters worse it was suddenly birthday season; my husband’s birthday on 1/28 and then my oldest on 2/4. As a sugar fiend and self-described food addict I began to contemplate all manner of self-indulgence and how that would help me feel better. The thing is, I know something else I didn’t know a few years ago: trying to eat my pain away doesn’t work. So I fell to my last resort: prayer.

Saturday morning it took me an hour to get dressed to go walk outside. It was gray and cold and felt like hell. I didn’t want to do it but I walked anyway. As I walked I prayed and asked God to help me keep moving, to not give up, to not give in to my flesh in a carnal way. And then I asked for sunshine and blue sky. I have to tell you, at 9:00am on Saturday morning there was no sunshine and no blue sky. It was as January as January gets(minus sleet and snow). And then I quite literally turned a corner(from Calverton Road to Florissant Road) and saw shadows in the shape of trees on the ground. I looked up and felt warm sunshine on my face, even though the sky was still gray and cloudy. Moments later I saw a smidgeon of blue behind the clouds and then glory in the form of full sunshine and more blue sky than gray. So maybe I’m crazy, and maybe I’m a dreamer, but I began to cry because in that moment all I could think about was that even though I felt sad and shaky and gray inside, God had opened the clouds and poured out His love for me in the form of sunshine and blue skies. That moment of glory filled me with the knowledge that I wasn’t alone.

The depression did not miraculously lift. I never did find a gift for my son. My mom made the cake and threw the party. But I am still filled with that moment of grace.

There are people in this world who would tell me I am nuts. They might say there is no God, that sunshine and blue skies were forecasted, and I’m a Bible thumping fundamentalist. I won’t dispute them. We all have our own belief system. But I will say this, I know in my heart I have a friend who loves me enough to shine rays through my darkness, to envelope me with love more tangible than touch, and to fill me with hope so sweet I can taste it on my tongue. And because of that love(which speaks truth to my heart), I was able to resist 3 cakes, peanut m&m’s, cookies, various chips and snacks on four separate occasions over the past week. And though I limp(emotionally), I am still walking.

The only reason I share all of this is because I felt maybe it would encourage others who deal with similar issues. We all have something we struggle with whether it be sugar, physical pain or grief. To that person I say this, there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother and I hope one day you experience the kind of comfort I received Saturday morning.

For those who love scripture, I share these words that I have been listening to while I walk.

Ephesians 3:14-20

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.