Archive for the The Journey Category

I can’t believe how busy I have been the past few weeks. I have had a variety of topics on my mind but no time to put pen to paper. So tonight I emerge from the cesspool of a particularly icky day to expunge my cluttered brain. Here goes…

I have frequently written about my journey to better health. I have discussed the many things I do to stay on track and how I get back on track when I fall off the rails. But a recent conversation with a co-worker recently reminded me just how far I’ve come. Shelly explained to me that she is planning a trip to the ocean in a month. She told me how embarrassed she is of her body and how she has gained weight over the past few years. She said she is thinking about trying to lose a few pounds before the trip because she would be too embarrassed to show her swimsuit clad body on the beach in its current state. She told me all these things with a casual flip of her wrist, as if it was more a wish than a plan. She ended with a slight chuckle and a shrug of her shoulders. As if she needed to make light of her body image to somehow come to grips with it.

I thought a lot about her comments after I went back to my desk. I don’t consider Shelly overweight. She is a sparkly, bubbly, beautiful woman with a heart as bright and shiny as a new copper penny. And yet it is obvious she can’t see that. For some reason she has convinced herself that she is not worth looking at. She even has it set in her mind that if the right numbers don’t pop up on the contraption on her bathroom floor she is somehow less than a person. But I would venture to guess that she is the only person who thinks that about herself.

Oh the lies we believe about ourselves. That is what I thought when she was talking. Because much of what she said was achingly familiar.

Why do we think that we are less valuable as human beings because we don’t look a certain way? Does the shape of our nose determine our character? Does the number of holes in our belt define our personality? Why do we put so much emphasis on our bodies when the true nature of who we are is invisible to the naked eye?

And yet when I was heavy I felt very poorly about myself. I bought into the lie that I was less than a person because I was obese. I lost years of my life feeling ugly to what purpose? I was so worried about what people thought about me that I lost myself. What a waste of time and energy that was!

I wanted to tell Shelly a lot of things in that moment. I wanted to tell her she is beautiful and lovely and important. I wanted to tell her that as long as she is happy it doesn’t matter what she looks like in a swimming suit. She has a successful career and is well respected at work. Does the fact that she is a few pounds overweight really matter in the grand scheme of things? Heck, no! 🙂

Instead I said, “The last time I was at a beach in Florida there were a lot of old people. And they don’t care what you look like.”

Oy.

There is something to be said about good health. When I eat right and exercise I feel really good. My mind is clear and I am able to more fully understand my place in this world. Losing weight was revolutionary for me. It made me respect myself. I find peace of mind while walking up a flight of stairs that would hitherto have been impossible for me. I took control of my “out of control” life. And I won’t lie, it feels great. I am certain there are people in this world who still consider me overweight. I’m lumpy in places I wish were flat and flat in places I wish were more plump. But I can honestly say I am content with my body and with my life. I am certain that taking good care of my body improves my overall sense of self but just because I am smaller doesn’t mean I am a fundamentally different person. I still get sad. And I have the capacity for wickedness. My size has nothing to do with it.

Yesterday I made a pretty big mistake at work. I had to tell my boss this morning and it was utterly humiliating. When the realization of what I had done sank in, I took refuge in the cube of a friend. She took great care to soothe my worried spirit and breathe life back into my soul. This friend is one of the most giving, gentle and loving people I know. She makes an effort to show kindness to everyone she meets and has had a great impact on my life. She too struggles with body image but I don’t see her body. All I see is her beautiful heart.

Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

It’s my favorite time of year, mushroom season! My brain dances with hope as every warm and sunny moment I obsess over finding the mother lode. This year has been especially rainy and cool and filled with promise. I rub my hands together in anticipation but the real work of mushroom hunting is filled with endless moments of fruitless searching.

Most years I spend hours hiking through the woods only to find a handful of little gray mushrooms. But there is something about searching that fills my heart with joy, until it doesn’t, and I give up for the year.

Because hiking for hours and days through the woods can be somewhat frustrating I try to focus on the wonderful things I do find. That way I don’t feel like I’ve lost hours of my life crunching through dead leaves. This year is no different. The first thing I found was a $20 bill. I didn’t even squander it. I used it to buy chicken to feed my family. What a blessing! We also found a box turtle. I usually see lots of these in the spring. They are one of my favorite things to find in the woods, all covered with mud and hungry from hibernation.

I took Friday off work to spend my hours hiking with my favorite son(I’m joking, I don’t really have a favorite-and if I did it wouldn’t be him, but if I pretend he’s my favorite then he will feel special and maybe won’t have mommy issues later in life). That trip netted 2 morels. 2. If that wasn’t depressing enough we found a deer skeleton. My favorite son insisted on handling the head and waving the spine around. I figured it was important to let him do this. You see, my favorite son loves dead things and Halloween and skeletons. It just didn’t seem right NOT to let him handle it. So, in case you were keeping track, he won’t have mommy issues, he’ll just be a serial killer.

Today was warm and sunny so I made another impromptu trip to the park to hunt. We found a very snappy garter snake who promptly pooped on me. Everyone got a good laugh out of that. We also found a tree frog.

What joy! But my very favoritest thing about mushroom hunting is all the beautiful green things that sprout from the forest floor. If winter is death, Spring is new life. Jack-in-the-pulpit, Dutchman’s breeches, Larkspur, Dogtooth Lilies and purple Phlox are everywhere. Sleepy bees drip from these flowers. Their soft fuzzy bodies buzz with energy as they sip nectar from each stem. It seems that they are just as hungry for warm days as I am. Everything glistens with health. The sky is deep blue and I want to roll in the new, soft green grass like my favorite son, who knows nothing of chiggers, ticks and itchy grass. He sees only a carpet ready for tired bodies who are worn out from hiking through the woods taking in all of the spring goodness.

So even though we didn’t find any mushrooms today, I am content. I got to spend time with my 3 favorite kids as we explored the great outdoors. I am so full of fresh air and sunshine my sides are splitting.

I’m glad I never grew up. I’m glad hiking through the woods still fills me with wonder. I’m glad I’m healthy and no longer carrying an extra 140 pounds around so that I can actually climb up muddy hills without gasping. I’m glad I can have a discussion with my number 2 child around rabid beavers and why we don’t stick our hands in big holes. After all, beavers eat trees. Imagine the damage they could inflict on soft, chubby flesh.

Life is good. I am blessed. And maybe I’ll find the mother lode…..tomorrow. Today, I found a holy tree! And really, what could be better than that?

It’s a gloomy Gus kind of a day. It’s cold. It’s foggy. It might rain. It might not rain. For those with curly hair, it’s frizzy. For those with straight hair, it’s kinky. A gray cloud seems to hang over the head of everyone I meet. I find it rather interesting how the weather can affect our mood.

Yesterday was icky too. Several people at work commented on how crappy their day was. I watched them shuffle from the office last night with shoulders slumped and frowns smeared across their faces. I asked one friend what was wrong and she said, “What isn’t?” It seemed that everything had gone wrong yesterday and not just for me, but for many.

Even my kids were cranky. I arrived home to half-done chores, grumpy attitudes and smart aleck responses. “I’ll fix them!” I thought. You see, I bought them ice cream for dessert but then denied it due to “bad behavior.” Let’s just say I didn’t win any popularity contests with my kids last night.

But today I’m rethinking that strategy. First, sweets have always been a mood motivator for me. The reason why is that it works. Feed bad? Eat something sweet. It fixes the “bad” in a bad day. Scientific evidence proves that sugar is a mood elevator. So when everyone is having a bad day, shouldn’t I give them a treat? It would certainly soothe their strident souls.

I realize I have major food issues, but my food issues are not my children’s food issues(as they frequently remind me). I think I sometimes try so hard NOT to pass on my “food as comfort” attitude that I go too far in the other direction. My motto becomes, “deny, deny, deny.” I really need to strike a better balance.

God created food to nourish our bodies and I don’t think it was an accident that it elevates the chemicals in our brains that lift our mood. Therefore I don’t think there is anything wrong with eating to soothe our bodies as long as we don’t do it all the time and in quantities that harm us. For example, a hot fudge sundae after a difficult day is ok, but probably not the extra-large jumbo concrete.

It’s sad that I so often corrupt the good things in life with my selfish, depraved nature. Everything inside me screams for more and better. Satisfaction always seems just out of my reach, around the corner, one pay grade higher. Is there anything in this world that could fully satisfy my heart?

I came into work with a pretty lousy attitude this morning. I didn’t work out because honestly, I didn’t feel like it. Then guilt nagged me all the way to work. I settled into my pity party determined that nothing and no one could make me feel better. Then I read my devotional book written by Joni Tada(a paraplegic) and read that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And I remembered that Jesus is the real source of all comfort and peace. If I run to Him when I am sad or lonely or hurting, he will go to the root of the problem and fix it(which He did).

With peace in my heart I can now extend a blessing to my crabby, stubborn, hard-hearted children and give them a sprinkling of grace with a side of chocolate fudge ice cream.