Archive for the The Journey Category

For the past few weeks I’ve been living life in the fast lane. Meaning, baseball games, long hours at work, and not enough sleep. I’ve been sick twice which means my body is not handling it all very well. But I just keep moving right along because this, my friends, is real life.

And just so you get a flavor… This morning I was determined to pick strawberries. It was the last weekend at Lakeview Farms in St. Peters and I knew if I didn’t get there by 7:30am I wouldn’t get to pick. Well, my exhausted body didn’t make it there until 8:30am but I made it and right now I am one happy strawberry saturated human. Hooray! But there is a price I had to pay for that.

In order for my son to play baseball today at 11:45am, I had to get a picture ID with his birth certificate on one side of town and somehow get him to the game at the opposite end. We arrived right at 11:45am and I’m still shocked I didn’t get a speeding ticket…only to realize, “Mom! I forgot my glove!” Today if you saw a silver Mazda Tribute screeching across Florissant while the driver yelled “¡Andale! ¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba” out the window, that would have been me. But I successfully recovered the glove and my child played so all in all it was a great day(until I realized I left the birth Certificate back on the other side of town).

We ended up at the swimming pool where I got to babysit some other people’s kids so they wouldn’t drown because the parents must have been raptured(at least until the life guards go involved). And I arrived home at 5:00pm–keep in mind I left at 7:45am) to heat up leftovers only to listen to my husband(who ran not a single errand today) complain about having to heat up some food. I did not smack him(but I wanted to).

So right now I am sitting down at my computer and no, I am not getting up to scoop ice cream, wipe butts, find a Spider Man costume, or stop Kid-mageddon(like Armageddon only with children as the warring parties). And I’ve only been here about 10 minutes.

Yesterday I read that love is not a greeting card sentiment. It’s not a mushy love song or feeling that fades when things get sticky. True love means sacrifice. Well, today I loved the heck out of my boys. They have sucked all the love out of me for the moment. So right now I’m recharging my batteries. And tomorrow–well, it’s Father’s Day so I bet there won’t be much sitting then either. And I’m okay with that.

Oh–and just so I can vent out all my regrets…I almost regret that I don’t eat fast food anymore because it certainly would be so convenient…much more convenient than making every single meal from scratch. It is a testament to my lifestyle change that I refuse to put that junk into my body. but I’ll admit I said I was going to grab fast food at least 4 nights this week because we were just THAT harried, but we managed to make it by without a single meal out. And that, my friends, is dedication! And I am proud as a fluffy peacock that I am still at my lowest weight. Hoorah!

I can always tell when I feel a bad attitude coming on. My chest gets all puffy and my nose gets crinkly and I get frowny. Yes, there are lots of adverbs in that sentence that describe my body and how it responds to my internal behavior. Inside I am rebelling from whatever it is that is chaffing me. If I practice no restraint, I go flailing about complaining of my lot in life, which is utterly pointless and does nothing but irritate the people around me.

For example, Sunday evening I was exhausted. We had been running all weekend and I just wanted to sit down and relax. Instead, I was standing at baseball practice waiting for the team to finish. And they just kept playing and playing and playing. I was seriously crabby. To make matters worse, the woman who volunteers to keep the schedule told me there would be a double header Monday starting at 6:15. My brain popped, like a light bulb burning out, and my ears got warm. I did not want to spend another night at the ballpark.

Instead of accepting my lot in life, that while my son is playing on this team I have no personal life, I fumed. Then I began to make my way around from parent to parent vocalizing all the angst I was feeling inside. I could tell by the looks on their faces that they did not want to hear me complain but I just kept right on at it anyway. I know from experience that there is nothing more annoying than a stranger complaining to me about their problems but I inflicted this agony on the other suffering parents while I hoped to drum up an ounce of sympathy for my own sorry predicament. After all, we were in the same boat. All I got was blank stares and lots of blinking. Finally I gave up and just stood there and suffered. With no one to commiserate, complaining just wasn’t any fun.

I recognized that I needed a serious attitude adjustment. So I went home, got in bed and began to plan my Monday. Suddenly a double header after a full day of work didn’t seem so formidable. As a matter of fact, Monday turned out just fine. Well. Sort of. Things were okay until we encountered the kitten conundrum.

Kittens, you ask? Yes, kittens. Oh, I don’t have cats. I have dogs and bunnies. I was standing at the first ballgame when my husband called to say, “We have a problem.” I braced for the worst and then he said, “Kittens” and I was like, huh? Our dear Gwen, my golden retriever mix, found some kittens that had crawled out from under the door of our neighbor’s garage and was trying to keep them warm. Yes, Gwen is a very special girl. The kittens were mewling, probably because they were hungry, and my husband called me. “I’ll be right there,” I said and quickly drove home.

He had placed the little babies in a box with a towel. They were no older than 2 weeks and tiny. They were soaking wet and crawling around making the most horrible noises. They were adorable. Eric looked at me and said, “No.” I said, “We have to feed them.” And he said, “No. We are not keeping them.” My mothering nature wanted to run to the store and buy kitten formula and ease their suffering but my husband is a cruel, heartless man who hates cute and cuddly things and wouldn’t let me. I’ll spare you the argument that ensued. Needless to say, he won because he was right, I don’t have time to nurse kittens. I wish I did, but I don’t. And that, my friends, is the sound of my heart breaking. The day that I don’t have time to nurse poor baby animals is the day I die inside.

So we called the Humane Society and even though they encouraged us to release the kittens and hope their mother would come back, we didn’t. Because it’s not the first time we have had feral cats and when they get bigger they are an incredible nuisance. So we insisted the Humane Society come and pick them up and they did and my children cried and I put on a brave face and we moved on.

This morning arrived with great clarity as regret surfaced and I faced the urge to bludgeon my husband in his sleep. After all, if it weren’t for him we would be the proud keepers of sweet little feral kittens. I would have been up all night listening to them mewl while trying to feel them and I would have had to call in sick to work. My children would be pleased as punch but instead, I found myself doing crunches and listening to my sweet little four-year-old talk about how cute those little kittens were. Worst. Mother. Ever.

What does this have to do with attitude? Everything. The next morning I decided to forgive my husband, even though he is a cruel, heartless beast. And I resolved not to hold the kittens against him. So on Tuesday night when another kitten appeared I did the only rational thing I could think of. I stopped at Petsmart and bought kitten formula and tried nursing the little creature for an hour and a half until his belly was full. And then I called the Humane Society because I realized that I could not call in sick to work for the rest of the week to nurse the cutest feral kitten you ever saw in your life just because my children were crying and I was crying. And yes I am nuts. But I totally have a positive attitude about the whole thing.

Because sometimes I have to understand that I am human and life happens. Baseball games happen. Kittens happen. And “cruel” husbands who know what’s best for me happen. And sometimes I just have to accept my lot in life and realize there’s nothing I can do about the unexpected. Complaining won’t make it go away. It just makes the people around me miserable. In the great, grand scheme of things I am truly blessed. I did not lose my home or any people I love to a tornado this week and I am gainfully employed and have a full tummy. And God bless the Humane Society for existing and for making house calls. And God bless my children who have the same wonderful, beautiful, tender heart that I do.

Right before I woke up this morning I had a dream. Now, normally I wouldn’t talk about my dreams in this venue but this was the first step of an important thought process for me. As you probably know, dreams often reflect our sub-conscious thoughts. In my dream I met the woman who insulted me three years ago and set me on the path to better health. If you know my that piece of my story feel free to skip the next paragraph.

A woman at work, who was relatively thin, stopped by my desk and began talking about the new(at the time) healthcare proposal. She ventured to suppose that the entire health care crisis could be solved if obese people were excluded from plans simply because of their weight. She posited that fat people were unhealthy on purpose and as a result soaked up too much medical space. Subtract fat people and experience health care utopia. Well, 310 pound Margaret was fairly insulted and an interesting conversation ensued wherein I did not stick up for myself, only gave excuses, and she walked away more full of herself than ever. That conversation was a major catalyst in my decision to try to get healthy. She really ticked me off. I hated that woman for a long time but more recently my feelings toward her have softened. After all, if she hadn’t made me so upset, I honestly don’t believe I would be where I am today.

In my dream I came face to face with that woman and do you know what I did? I hugged her. And I said “Thank you so much!” I thought about this as I walked outside this morning and I realized something about myself. I often tell myself I am not capable of doing certain things and I give up before I even try. But when someone tells me I CAN’T do something, I set my mind in stone that I absolutely CAN. For some reason I like to prove to people that I’m better than they think I am. Call it stubbornness or hard-headedness(as my husband calls it). I like to prove people wrong.

Well, my job is often a very frustrating thing for me. And sometimes I have to do terrible tasks that I loathe. I make myself do them so I don’t get fired but I don’t enjoy them AT ALL. Well, last week I was given another such task but this one is the worst ever. I worked 11 hours last Friday and left at 6:30pm in tears, feeling like the biggest failure in the world because I couldn’t wrap my mind around the enormity of it. I resolved that I would rather quit my job than do it and spent the entire weekend trying hard not to think about what today would bring. But during my walk this morning I had this epiphany and fireworks went off in my brain. If someone told me I COULD’NT do the most recent task, I would set my mind like flint to do it and do it well. And then a little light bulb went on over my head. I don’t need someone to tell me I can’t do something to force me to prove them wrong. I can just do it. The sun touched my face with its warm rays in that moment and I smiled. Then, I decided to really try. I realized that even if I fail at least I would succeed in doing my very best.

Well I took a big bite out of that task today. And it was grueling work. And I spent every brain cell I had and I’ve only scratched the surface of the project. But I am SO proud of myself for trying.

I have lost 140 pounds. It did not happen over night. In the beginning it was utterly overwhelming. I thought it was impossible. Today I know differently. And it has changed my perspective on life. Someday I’m going to run into that woman for real. And when I do, I’m going to hug her just like I did in my dream. And I’m going to tell her that she was the catalyst that forced me to face my demons and slay them one forked tongue at a time.