Archive for the The Journey Category

I got in the wrong lane at the grocery store tonight. I hate that moment when you realize you will be standing in line for 20 minutes even if you switch lanes, and all you can do is suffer and stick it out. If you are in line with nice people you can chit chat and make small talk. But tonight was not that night either. The woman in front of me acted as if I had body lice. She wouldn’t look at me as much as speak to me. So when I dared to put my groceries on the conveyor belt of slothfulness she really got agitated. She clutched her basket as if I might contaminate it and I could see her jaw muscles clench. So I just held back and gave her some space. That is, until the man behind me, who was at least four sheets to the wind, began dancing and singing in line. This would have been cute if it was me. But he looked one step away vagrancy. But rather than grumble and pout I just put on a carefree smile. I had a lot on my mind today and I was trying not to let it all show. I really believe if you smile the feelings will follow.

So when I finally reached the cashier I was so happy. She was this sweet, pleasant girl who just smiled and greeted me as if I was her long lost cousin. “Hey, Ma’am!” She said. And I was filled with peace….until she said…. “Where’s the ice cream?”

“What ice cream?” I said.

“You need ice cream.” She said.

“Why do you say that?” I said. “Do I always buy ice cream or something?”

She just smiled as if she were stirring Kool-Aid in a commercial and beautiful children were holding hands and dancing around her.

“I don’t need ice cream. I’ve eaten a bowl of ice cream every night this week.” I said and pointed to my face. “Look at this face. Can’t you see how guilty I am? Guilt. Tee!”

And she just kept smiling, as if she was in on some secret joke that I just wasn’t getting. She handed me my receipt and said, “Have a nice evening.” And I was completely baffled and perplexed. Do I look like I need more ice cream? Sheesh. I still don’t know why she said that. Hm.

And then it hit me, maybe smiling like a fool attracts crazy people. Maybe I should stop smiling so much.

Today I am the patron saint of spinach. I discovered spinach 2 years ago when my muscles began cramping. I read that it has high concentrations of magnesium and that it was good for promoting muscle healing and reducing muscle cramps. I had always hated spinach but discovered if it was fresh it was actually very tasty. I grew it in the garden last year and it was much better than store bought variety. Yum!

So why am I eating spinach today? Well, I don’t want to go into details, but I ate too much dessert last night and I feel guilty. I am also the patron saint of guilt. Sheesh. When am I ever going to learn how to stop eating too much? I don’t understand why, when I start eating something sweet, I just can’t stop. Well, I can, but it’s so difficult. So tonight, ixnay on the ice-cream-nay. All of that to say, I like spinach and need to cut my calories today.

I always think of Popeye when I eat spinach. I love my muscles and they love spinach. I also feel really great when I eat it, as opposed to feeling like a garbage disposal when I eat other unmentionables. So yesterday, when someone I work with pulled me aside in the restroom and said, “Are you working out? Because your arm muscles are like, wow!” And I got REALLY self-conscious and swore off sleeveless blouses because obviously I don’t know how to take a compliment. “But yes,” I told her, “I do lift weights, mainly in a vain and unfruitful attempt to rid my arms of the sagging skin that is a dreadful byproduct of losing excess amounts of weight.” And she smiled and patted me on the shoulder and said, “I can’t tell and I sure want some of what you’ve got!”

And you know what? That is very cool! Because if you knew how dorky and insecure I am, you would know how I blushed for 30 minutes after that conversation and got all sweaty and goofy as I worried about people staring at my Popeye arms. I kept wondering if I was a freak of nature. And then, after the weirdness wore off I realized, someone just paid me a compliment for goodness sakes, and I didn’t even say thank you. Ugh.

So today’s lesson, boys and girls, is “eat your spinach.” It is good for your body and will help alleviate muscles cramps naturally. It is also a tasty alternative to ice cream AND you will feel like Popeye even if you look like Wimpy. And this blog feels really random and goofy but I was just connecting the dots and realized I live a very random and goofy sort of life and why not share it, because, honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, I yam what I yam.

I am going to tell you a blatant truth: I am cheap. If there is any possible way for me to save a buck, it will be saved. I am also trying really hard to eat healthy. Healthy and cheap do not necessarily hang out together. In fact, they sort of like to give each other the evil eye and chortle when brought in close proximity. But I digress.

I have 3 boys and they eat like linebackers. I kept buying cereal and they kept inhaling it. I felt that not only did the cereal not fill them up(they were hungry an hour later), I was paying a small fortune for it(even with coupons). So I decided to start making muffins for breakfast. The recipe I have calls for quite a bit of sugar but my husband was NOT having the no sugar variety. So for a while I made them with the full 1.5 cups of sugar and white flour they called for. And I put in chocolate chips instead of blueberries because my children don’t like berries(they are strange creatures, I know). Sounds really healthy right? Not.

Well, I am just completely allergic sugar. I can’t help it. I have this whole rash that comes over my eyeballs and I get mumps in my toes. You know, a super nasty reaction. Therefore, I secretly began reducing the sugar and started substituting wheat flour in small quantities. My husband noticed the flour but never said anything about the sugar. I was adding banana instead. And then one day, after gradually reducing I decided to throw out the baby with the bathwater. NO SUGAR AT ALL! Oh the humanity! It was a glorious day filled with sunshine and roses and pretty little gold coins falling from the sky. And I think there was a leprechaun but I was so completely distracted by the aroma of fresh baked Banana Wheat Chocolate Chips Muffins that I think I squished him while I was jigging around the kitchen.

I presented the muffins to my children. “Come and get it!” and watched them gobble and snort and belch with nary a complaint. As their faces morphed into the usual zombified stares(glued to the boob tube) and the room erupted with fresh farts(unrelated to the muffins) and they scratched and forgot I ever existed, I realized: They had absolutely no idea I had just fed them healthy food.

So I kept making the recipe, even adding things like flax meal and wheat germ and they kept eating it. Finally, on Saturday I told my 11 year old beast-let that the muffins he loved so dearly did not contain one speck of sugar. And his eyes went all squinty and his jaw dropped open, and I grinned and chuckled. I still haven’t told my husband(shh!) but I’m secretly laughing my buns off because he is my biggest critic and loves to point out how he can taste it every time I try to make a recipe healthy.

Tonight the house is filled with the sweet cinnamon-ey aroma of fresh baked muffins and everyone is salivating. Of course they have to wait to eat them until the morning because I am cruel, and possibly evil. But I am reveling in the greatest subterfuge I have ever had the occasion to get away with. And because I can’t contain this wickedness, I am going to share my recipe with all of you.

Banana, Honey Wheat, Chocolate Chip Muffins of Goodness (makes 1 dozen)

[10 carbs per ounce/80 calories per ounce]

1 large very ripe banana

1 stick of butter

1/4 cup of honey

2 eggs

3/4-1 cup of milk 1/4 cup ground flax meal

1/4 cup wheat germ

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 cup white flour

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

2 tsp baking powder

15 chocolate chips in each muffin(yes I count them out)

Mash banana and butter together. Add honey and mix. Add eggs and mix. In a separate container mix dry ingredients. Alternate stirring dry ingredients into butter/banana mixture, and stirring in some milk until everything is blended. Spoon into paper lined muffin pans, layering in chocolate chips as you go(5/5/5). Bake in a 375 degree oven for 25 minutes(poke with a toothpick in the center to make sure they are cooked through as oven temperatures vary). Eat and enjoy guilt free!(unless you eat too many-then, well, that would be bad…)