Archive for the The Journey Category

I remember the day I gave up. It was the Summer of 1999. It was a Sunday evening after church. It was hot and humid. I was wearing black denim shorts in the smallest size I had owned up to that point in time, and a white, lacy blouse(this picture was taken a few days later). I was depressed after the demise of an important relationship. I couldn’t see through the black cloud of despair to recognize anything good about myself. I didn’t care that I had lost 125 pounds. I didn’t care that I had a good job, a house, and a family who loved me. All I could see was failure. I remember driving home and deciding that my life didn’t matter anymore. So I began to eat.

I thought eating would somehow take away the pain so I perfected the art. I ceased caring about my body because my heart was so wholly ravaged with pain. Nothing anyone said could fix me, so emotionally I lay down and died.

There were other destructive behaviors and consequences I won’t go into here, but fourteen years later I distinctly remember feeling as if any hope of personal happiness died at that moment. All of that to say, depression is powerful and distinctly personal. The only way to survive it is to walk through it. I remember realizing God wasn’t going to enter into my pain with me. I was completely alone. And I made decision after conscious decision with that in mind. The “church people” had let me down. The person I was in love with let me down. Bring on the Recess Peanut Butter cups. Honestly, that’s what I thought.

I watched my weight balloon from 165 pounds to 180 pounds to 200 pounds and eventually to 310 pounds. Every time life got hard or the pain compounded, I bought a bag of chocolate or spent a day in the kitchen baking cookies. I knew exactly what I was doing. Sweets were the band aid on the crack in my dam of pain.

Not everyone eats to feel better. Some people just like to eat. Losing the weight the second time forced me to deal with my emotional issues. I learned that I could no longer use food as a crutch. I would have to deal with my pain head on. And let me tell you, it was really hard. But facing my issues, while painful, was extremely liberating. I have a deep faith in God and I learned that while people fail me constantly, He never abandoned me, even if I perceived that He did. I derived so much pleasure from my early morning walks in the beginning(I still do) as I talked out all my problems with Him and worked out solutions. For those that don’t believe, I’m not proselytizing. I’m just sharing my experience. I don’t feel I could have lost the weight without my faith. It was the sustaining force through many days when I wanted to give up.

Recently my grandma said to me, “Margaret, you’ve come a long way.” I think I was talking to her about self-confidence and insecurities. I used to think my extended family didn’t like me at all. I thought they were only nice because they had to be. I skipped family gatherings because I thought they knew me only as a complete and utter failure and didn’t want me there. I couldn’t understand why they were nice to my face when they certainly thought I was a mess. I missed out on so many things because I had locked my mindset into “Margaret sucks” mode. My low opinion of myself infected every aspect of my life, and while much of that was childhood baggage, I think that failed relationship, in many ways, was the germ that caused my insecurities to metastasize. Rejection can do that.

In short, I let my emotions get the better of me. I believed the lies I told myself, that I was no good, that I didn’t deserve to be happy, that I needed to settle for less than the best. And while I can see now that God is using that for good in my life, I wish I didn’t have to learn the hard way.

Today, if you are struggling with something, be it healthy living, depression, shattered expectations or even just a crappy job situation, don’t fall into the trap of believing your life is over. Use that experience as a stepping stone to better things. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be sad, or that you shouldn’t grieve. Maybe you have every right to be angry. Get a bat and whack a tree! But don’t take it out on yourself. At the risk of sounding cliché, you are good enough, you are smart enough and gosh darn it, people like you. If you get into a pattern of negative thinking, take a moment to write down all of the good things you can think of about yourself. If you can’t find anything, call someone you know loves you and make them tell you why you are valuable. If you believe in God, talk to Him about your troubles and ask Him for help. If you don’t, maybe that’s a place to start.

Today is a new day. It may not be a perfect day but it may be your last day, so don’t let it end with a self-defeating attitude. I know it’s easier said than done. But I also know that the day I recognized that my life was worth living, that I could say no to food as my drug of choice, that there was hope—THAT was the day I went from self-loathing, bruised and broken Margaret to the person you see today. I hardly recognize the old me, even though all those old memories are still intact.

Last night my husband picked up a photo album. I am attaching the photo he looked at. Do you know what he said? “Wow! I had forgotten how heavy you were.” Then he looked at me with a smile and said, “Margaret, I loved you then.” My only regret is that I wish I would have loved myself.

I wanted to spend some quality time with my youngest son this weekend. “Big E”(as our chiropractor lovingly refers to him) has a lot of energy so I thought it might be nice to take a walk. I needed to return a Redbox movie so we put on some sneakers and started the trek to the grocery store. The great thing about walking through Ferguson, Missouri is there are so many cool things to see. In less than 4 blocks we see two fountains, a firehouse, the library and two historic cabooses(we can climb on them!). Even better, we get to pick up stray pinecones on the way.

The return trip brought us in close proximity to two neighborhood boys who looked to be about the age of my middle son who I shall lovingly refer to as “Big R.” I would have waved and smiled but “Big E” beat me to the punch. He turned around and started calling the boys colorful names, none of which I can repeat here. I was instantly embarrassed and wanted to smack the snot out of my kid, but since I was walking along Florissant Road, I didn’t want to give people the wrong idea about my parenting skills, so instead, I took “Big E” by the hand and walked back to the boys. I told him he needed to apologize. I told him we don’t call names. I told him “Shame on you!” But he responded by baring his teeth at the boys and growling like a wildebeest. One of the boys said, “Hey! Aren’t you Big R’s mom?”

It turned out they were classmates and friends of my middle son. My humiliation was complete. I told them I would pass on greetings to “Big R” and continued the walk home. I didn’t need to ask “Big E” where he learned that type of behavior. He doesn’t go to daycare and he certainly didn’t learn those words at church. In fact, he has spent the entire summer hanging with his older brothers who obviously need their mommy to take a good scrub brush to their tongues.

All of this to say, bad company corrupts good character. Like it or not, the people we spend time with rub off on us. That is why it is so important to be discerning when developing new relationships. I have a good friend who waves her hands around a lot when she talks. Well, guess what, now I do too. And I think of her when I do it.

While trying to live a healthy lifestyle, you may realize that the people you live or work with have habits that are not in line with your goals. This is not only frustrating but attacks your resolve to abstain from unhealthy behaviors. Maybe when you are near these people you find yourself cheating on your healthy lifestyle plan. I’m going to say this with utmost respect and understanding—if you want to reach your goals, you may need to put some distance between yourself and these people. You should always try to be straightforward first. Maybe they will listen and give you space. After all, there are many wonderful, respectful people who love and cherish you and want to support you. I’m not talking about them, however. I’m talking about the people who say they support you and then offer you a plate full of chocolate chip cookies. Run, Baby! Run like the wind!

This is a difficult topic but one that bears discussion. I have personally experienced more pressure to eat things I know I shouldn’t by people at work, as well as friends and family. I have heard the “You need to treat yourself” argument more times than I can count. The thing is, I really don’t need to treat myself. And if I did, don’t they think I know how to do that? After all, I did weigh 310 pounds and I didn’t get that way by denying myself chocolate cake. And don’t even get me started on my significant other, who weighs all of 150 pounds and eats candy by handful. We have been all around the mulberry bush on my journey to lose weight. Thank goodness he now respects me enough to hide the candy from me(that way I don’t snatch it from him after I bludgeon him for tempting me).

I feel fortunate that my best friend is very health conscious. She has certainly rubbed many good habits off on me. And I have picked up other “healthy” friends too. They motivate me to stay true to my resolve to keep the weight off, to abstain from processed, sugar-laden foods and keep moving. So I’m going to end this post by stating one other obvious truth….”Good company promotes good behavior.” Nuff said!

Sometimes the crabby feeling simmers and I brush it off with a smile and move forward. Other times it percolates up slowly. I try to put a cap on it but it continues to build strength until it erupts like a geyser. Today was a geyser sort of day.

Needless to say, I don’t always have the reign on my emotions that I need to function like I want to. So I have to stop and get my crabby on before I can move forward. I’m not allowed to unleash my crabby on the people at work. I chomp at the “be nice!” bit my leader has sidled me with and look for fruitful ways to express myself. This morning I dosed my crabby with caffeine(why did I think that would help?) and watched it grow into a full blown creature with rippling arms and giant hairy legs. It picked me up and ran me around the office a few times, and to be honest, I didn’t fight it at all.

There are several constructive ways to express your crabby in a civilized office environment. Shredding, stapling, hole punching(I said hole punching not wall punching), and decline meetings people have tried very hard to schedule with your leader and watch them squirm. Another good one is running up and down the stairs(I work in a building with 10 floors). I find expressing myself this way empowers me. There is a certain amount of exhilaration in knowing you can run up 10 flights of stairs with full disclosure that you are harming no innocent bystanders in the process.

Once all your negative energy has been expressed you are free to sob in your fourth cup of coffee and eat French fries for lunch. Okay, I didn’t eat French fries because that would be just WRONG, but I pretended to. They tasted like the fries I used to make and gobble with glee at Rax Restaurant. That delightful place went bankrupt back in 1990-something and they had The. Best. Fries. Ever.

What’s interesting is that once your crabby has been fully vetted, you are free to return to your regularly scheduled program of feeling sane. And there’s really very little carnage. After all, the stairs aren’t going to complain that you stomped all over them and so what if you have to buy a new hole punch?

I’m not very good at plasticity. What I mean by that is, it is very difficult for me to pretend nothing is wrong. I have to find some way to express the anguish, frustration and general discomfort in my world or I will go crazy. I don’t like that I’m this way and wish I were like normal people. Okay, I don’t really wish I were like normal people because then I would be boring. But I’m no good at stuffing my feelings under my shirt. Besides, that makes me look pregnant. Today I found out I can express my crabby fruitfully. And it was so much fun.

Human beings emote. There’s no stopping it. And one way or the other we have to manage our emotions. Managing our emotions does not need to involve chocolate, cookies or ice cream. In fact, if you really want to rebel, drinking 3 32 ounce cups of water. That’ll keep you hopping. Just remember that when you work in a civilized office environment, stapling your co-workers and punching holes in your earlobes might be frowned upon.