Archive for the The Journey Category

Sometimes the crabby feeling simmers and I brush it off with a smile and move forward. Other times it percolates up slowly. I try to put a cap on it but it continues to build strength until it erupts like a geyser. Today was a geyser sort of day.

Needless to say, I don’t always have the reign on my emotions that I need to function like I want to. So I have to stop and get my crabby on before I can move forward. I’m not allowed to unleash my crabby on the people at work. I chomp at the “be nice!” bit my leader has sidled me with and look for fruitful ways to express myself. This morning I dosed my crabby with caffeine(why did I think that would help?) and watched it grow into a full blown creature with rippling arms and giant hairy legs. It picked me up and ran me around the office a few times, and to be honest, I didn’t fight it at all.

There are several constructive ways to express your crabby in a civilized office environment. Shredding, stapling, hole punching(I said hole punching not wall punching), and decline meetings people have tried very hard to schedule with your leader and watch them squirm. Another good one is running up and down the stairs(I work in a building with 10 floors). I find expressing myself this way empowers me. There is a certain amount of exhilaration in knowing you can run up 10 flights of stairs with full disclosure that you are harming no innocent bystanders in the process.

Once all your negative energy has been expressed you are free to sob in your fourth cup of coffee and eat French fries for lunch. Okay, I didn’t eat French fries because that would be just WRONG, but I pretended to. They tasted like the fries I used to make and gobble with glee at Rax Restaurant. That delightful place went bankrupt back in 1990-something and they had The. Best. Fries. Ever.

What’s interesting is that once your crabby has been fully vetted, you are free to return to your regularly scheduled program of feeling sane. And there’s really very little carnage. After all, the stairs aren’t going to complain that you stomped all over them and so what if you have to buy a new hole punch?

I’m not very good at plasticity. What I mean by that is, it is very difficult for me to pretend nothing is wrong. I have to find some way to express the anguish, frustration and general discomfort in my world or I will go crazy. I don’t like that I’m this way and wish I were like normal people. Okay, I don’t really wish I were like normal people because then I would be boring. But I’m no good at stuffing my feelings under my shirt. Besides, that makes me look pregnant. Today I found out I can express my crabby fruitfully. And it was so much fun.

Human beings emote. There’s no stopping it. And one way or the other we have to manage our emotions. Managing our emotions does not need to involve chocolate, cookies or ice cream. In fact, if you really want to rebel, drinking 3 32 ounce cups of water. That’ll keep you hopping. Just remember that when you work in a civilized office environment, stapling your co-workers and punching holes in your earlobes might be frowned upon.

I grew up knowing America is a wonderful place to live, maybe even the best place to live on God’s green earth. But I never really considered myself overly patriotic. I vote, because men died and women fought for me to have that right. I have a fairly conservative world view but I respect and even seek out the perspectives of others who feel differently. I like to debate with people thought I rarely do, only because most people nowadays are too politically correct. Tsk, tsk, tsk(as my Grandma Allen would say).

I picked up “Going Rogue” recently at the thrift store because frankly, I am fascinated with Sarah Palin. Since she emerged on the national scene in 2008 I respected her fearless nature. Think what you will about her politics, she bravely entered the male dominated political scene with gusto. She debated Senator Biden and allowed her family to be thrust into the glaring media spotlight. She did all of this because she believed she could help America. I was curious to read about her journey from her point of view, not someone else’s.

Not only is Sarah Palin smart and witty, she loves this country. If I forget every quote, every funny sentence and every no nonsense idea she presented, I will never lose the fire she ignited in me for America. Sarah loves America as much as she loves her family and that’s saying a lot. She gave me an armchair view of Alaska that had me re-reading pages to soak it all in. Her desire to serve her local government was palpable and even gave me a hunger for local politics. In short, she inspired me. But this blog post is not about how awesome Sarah Palin is. I really just wanted to share how her book changed my view of America from something black, white and grainy into Technicolor.

“Our land is everything to us…I will tell you one of the things we remember on our land. We remember that our grandfathers paid for it–with their lives.” John Wooden

When July 4th rolled around this year I decided to tell everyone I met, “Happy Independence Day!” Every year we celebrate with barbecue, corn on the cob and other various comfort foods(and beer for those who like that sort of thing). And many of us forget the men who died to give us the freedom to roast marshmallows on land we own. When I hear the lyric, “And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there,” I envision cold, hungry and tired men searching the smoke filled night to see if the battle was lost. Francis Scott Key wrote those words back in 1814 and they came from a heart that screamed for freedom from oppression. So to my dismay, every person I greeted on the day we celebrate our nation’s independence looked at me like I was a little off my rocker when I said, “Happy Independence Day.” I still don’t get it. We have national cemeteries lined with the bodies of our fathers and grandfathers. They died to preserve our freedoms and we don’t have the courage to acknowledge their sacrifice? Everyone I met said, “Happy Fourth of July!” as if it were just another excuse to overindulge.

So when I read “Going Rouge” I was instantly refreshed. Sarah gets it. She is an American. Every day I open up Facebook and read her posts. She shines a spotlight on modern day soldiers and their families. She points out things going on in government that don’t make national headlines. And she does all of this at great personal cost. I don’t think a lot of people like Sarah. I personally want to be just like her when I grow up, fearless and beholden to no one.

I love America. I love my freedoms. Thank you, Sarah Palin, for teaching me not to be ashamed of my country. Thank you for “taking it in the gut” from the political system. You could have settled with being a hockey mom but instead chose to speak your truth. I may not agree with everything you say, but I am thankful we both have the right to express our opinions. God have mercy on us! I pray we never lose our freedom.

Sometimes I am a real idiot. There, I’ve said it. I might have the best intentions in the world but my mouth runs away and I trip over my words and before I know it, people are crying. And I think, “That is not what I meant to say” and “Can I have a do-over?” And my only real option is to crawl back under the rock I crawled out from under in the first place.

Mistakes make us human. If we’re lucky, we recognize our mistakes and learn from them. Making a mistake doesn’t make us stupid. We’re only stupid if we keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

Today I am experiencing a terrible case of regret and all I can do is move forward. In one case I used poor judgment. In the other, I didn’t measure my words well. And I feel low enough to eat a gallon of ice cream. But ice cream will not fix my problems. So I ate cookies instead.

And if that doesn’t make me stupid, I don’t know what does!