Archive for the The Journey Category

I’ve been a little down lately(hey, it happens) and as a result have taken comfort in food a few too many times. Today I resolved not to give in to my carnal desires, and physically, it doesn’t feel all that great. So for others struggling to do what is right for their bodies, I thought I would share a little bit of the war I fight when I get sad.

I encounter sweet snacks everywhere. When I walk to the cafeteria, the “packaged for my convenience” cookies twinkle. I could eat 20 and it wouldn’t satisfy the “sad” so I move on. My boss asks for chocolate. I hand him pieces from the stash I don’t let myself eat. The woman who sits closest to me offers donuts(she’s too cute to smack). When I look at my children, they scream ice cream. And don’t get me started on the refrigerator. It hums my name constantly. Well, it can hum all it wants tonight. There’s nothing sweet in there to eat! I am starving that sucker too!!

But seriously, I resolved to eat a healthy salad at lunch to clean up my body a bit. It was okay. I had fun with it…lots of tomatoes and 6 croutons. And it did what I needed it to do. It ensured that I would begin to go stark raving mad right about 2:30pm when my true hunger kicked in.

I fought the urge to eat a snack because sometimes I want my body to experience hunger for a few hours. That lets me know it’s using up the extra fat I stored when I indulged in ice cream and cookies earlier in the week. I drank my water but the cravings rolled over me in waves…strange cravings that even include cedar shavings(like I used to line my guinea pigs cage when I was a child). Why would I start smelling cedar shavings? Go back to the stark raving mad paragraph above.

Sometimes I need to starve my “sad.” I need to put my life into perspective. Being hungry makes me think about what is really important. If I eat to feel better I’m diluting the fundamental problem. I have to deal with my emotions, not numb them with sugar.

The other issue that causes my “sad” related cravings to escalate is a skipped workout. I took the day off today to rest my body, and when my brain is deprived of blood, it hurts my psyche. I don’t understand it, but I always want to eat more when I don’t work out. It’s not a hungry eating, it’s a “something’s missing” eating. Stupid, dysfunctional brain.

It was a slower day at work which contributed to the madness a bit. But I’m sticking to it. Homemade, wheat crust pizza with lots of fresh veggies is on the menu for dinner. I’m looking forward to it. And I’m sticking to my resolve tomorrow too. Salad for lunch. Fruit for dessert. Because I know if I eat lots of fresh veggies for a few days, it will clean the sugar crap out of my system and I will stop craving it.

My cousin posted on Facebook that her work partner was eating a big greasy hamburger while she ate healthy food. She was frustrated but she really encouraged me(which is why I wrote this blog). I am not alone in my cravings and I am strong enough to resist them. I do not need fat and sugar laden goodies to make me feel better. And so what if I see visions of White Castle hamburgers dancing across my desk? I have never claimed to be completely sane. Besides, a little madness makes for a more interesting person.

I remember the day I gave up. It was the Summer of 1999. It was a Sunday evening after church. It was hot and humid. I was wearing black denim shorts in the smallest size I had owned up to that point in time, and a white, lacy blouse(this picture was taken a few days later). I was depressed after the demise of an important relationship. I couldn’t see through the black cloud of despair to recognize anything good about myself. I didn’t care that I had lost 125 pounds. I didn’t care that I had a good job, a house, and a family who loved me. All I could see was failure. I remember driving home and deciding that my life didn’t matter anymore. So I began to eat.

I thought eating would somehow take away the pain so I perfected the art. I ceased caring about my body because my heart was so wholly ravaged with pain. Nothing anyone said could fix me, so emotionally I lay down and died.

There were other destructive behaviors and consequences I won’t go into here, but fourteen years later I distinctly remember feeling as if any hope of personal happiness died at that moment. All of that to say, depression is powerful and distinctly personal. The only way to survive it is to walk through it. I remember realizing God wasn’t going to enter into my pain with me. I was completely alone. And I made decision after conscious decision with that in mind. The “church people” had let me down. The person I was in love with let me down. Bring on the Recess Peanut Butter cups. Honestly, that’s what I thought.

I watched my weight balloon from 165 pounds to 180 pounds to 200 pounds and eventually to 310 pounds. Every time life got hard or the pain compounded, I bought a bag of chocolate or spent a day in the kitchen baking cookies. I knew exactly what I was doing. Sweets were the band aid on the crack in my dam of pain.

Not everyone eats to feel better. Some people just like to eat. Losing the weight the second time forced me to deal with my emotional issues. I learned that I could no longer use food as a crutch. I would have to deal with my pain head on. And let me tell you, it was really hard. But facing my issues, while painful, was extremely liberating. I have a deep faith in God and I learned that while people fail me constantly, He never abandoned me, even if I perceived that He did. I derived so much pleasure from my early morning walks in the beginning(I still do) as I talked out all my problems with Him and worked out solutions. For those that don’t believe, I’m not proselytizing. I’m just sharing my experience. I don’t feel I could have lost the weight without my faith. It was the sustaining force through many days when I wanted to give up.

Recently my grandma said to me, “Margaret, you’ve come a long way.” I think I was talking to her about self-confidence and insecurities. I used to think my extended family didn’t like me at all. I thought they were only nice because they had to be. I skipped family gatherings because I thought they knew me only as a complete and utter failure and didn’t want me there. I couldn’t understand why they were nice to my face when they certainly thought I was a mess. I missed out on so many things because I had locked my mindset into “Margaret sucks” mode. My low opinion of myself infected every aspect of my life, and while much of that was childhood baggage, I think that failed relationship, in many ways, was the germ that caused my insecurities to metastasize. Rejection can do that.

In short, I let my emotions get the better of me. I believed the lies I told myself, that I was no good, that I didn’t deserve to be happy, that I needed to settle for less than the best. And while I can see now that God is using that for good in my life, I wish I didn’t have to learn the hard way.

Today, if you are struggling with something, be it healthy living, depression, shattered expectations or even just a crappy job situation, don’t fall into the trap of believing your life is over. Use that experience as a stepping stone to better things. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be sad, or that you shouldn’t grieve. Maybe you have every right to be angry. Get a bat and whack a tree! But don’t take it out on yourself. At the risk of sounding cliché, you are good enough, you are smart enough and gosh darn it, people like you. If you get into a pattern of negative thinking, take a moment to write down all of the good things you can think of about yourself. If you can’t find anything, call someone you know loves you and make them tell you why you are valuable. If you believe in God, talk to Him about your troubles and ask Him for help. If you don’t, maybe that’s a place to start.

Today is a new day. It may not be a perfect day but it may be your last day, so don’t let it end with a self-defeating attitude. I know it’s easier said than done. But I also know that the day I recognized that my life was worth living, that I could say no to food as my drug of choice, that there was hope—THAT was the day I went from self-loathing, bruised and broken Margaret to the person you see today. I hardly recognize the old me, even though all those old memories are still intact.

Last night my husband picked up a photo album. I am attaching the photo he looked at. Do you know what he said? “Wow! I had forgotten how heavy you were.” Then he looked at me with a smile and said, “Margaret, I loved you then.” My only regret is that I wish I would have loved myself.

I wanted to spend some quality time with my youngest son this weekend. “Big E”(as our chiropractor lovingly refers to him) has a lot of energy so I thought it might be nice to take a walk. I needed to return a Redbox movie so we put on some sneakers and started the trek to the grocery store. The great thing about walking through Ferguson, Missouri is there are so many cool things to see. In less than 4 blocks we see two fountains, a firehouse, the library and two historic cabooses(we can climb on them!). Even better, we get to pick up stray pinecones on the way.

The return trip brought us in close proximity to two neighborhood boys who looked to be about the age of my middle son who I shall lovingly refer to as “Big R.” I would have waved and smiled but “Big E” beat me to the punch. He turned around and started calling the boys colorful names, none of which I can repeat here. I was instantly embarrassed and wanted to smack the snot out of my kid, but since I was walking along Florissant Road, I didn’t want to give people the wrong idea about my parenting skills, so instead, I took “Big E” by the hand and walked back to the boys. I told him he needed to apologize. I told him we don’t call names. I told him “Shame on you!” But he responded by baring his teeth at the boys and growling like a wildebeest. One of the boys said, “Hey! Aren’t you Big R’s mom?”

It turned out they were classmates and friends of my middle son. My humiliation was complete. I told them I would pass on greetings to “Big R” and continued the walk home. I didn’t need to ask “Big E” where he learned that type of behavior. He doesn’t go to daycare and he certainly didn’t learn those words at church. In fact, he has spent the entire summer hanging with his older brothers who obviously need their mommy to take a good scrub brush to their tongues.

All of this to say, bad company corrupts good character. Like it or not, the people we spend time with rub off on us. That is why it is so important to be discerning when developing new relationships. I have a good friend who waves her hands around a lot when she talks. Well, guess what, now I do too. And I think of her when I do it.

While trying to live a healthy lifestyle, you may realize that the people you live or work with have habits that are not in line with your goals. This is not only frustrating but attacks your resolve to abstain from unhealthy behaviors. Maybe when you are near these people you find yourself cheating on your healthy lifestyle plan. I’m going to say this with utmost respect and understanding—if you want to reach your goals, you may need to put some distance between yourself and these people. You should always try to be straightforward first. Maybe they will listen and give you space. After all, there are many wonderful, respectful people who love and cherish you and want to support you. I’m not talking about them, however. I’m talking about the people who say they support you and then offer you a plate full of chocolate chip cookies. Run, Baby! Run like the wind!

This is a difficult topic but one that bears discussion. I have personally experienced more pressure to eat things I know I shouldn’t by people at work, as well as friends and family. I have heard the “You need to treat yourself” argument more times than I can count. The thing is, I really don’t need to treat myself. And if I did, don’t they think I know how to do that? After all, I did weigh 310 pounds and I didn’t get that way by denying myself chocolate cake. And don’t even get me started on my significant other, who weighs all of 150 pounds and eats candy by handful. We have been all around the mulberry bush on my journey to lose weight. Thank goodness he now respects me enough to hide the candy from me(that way I don’t snatch it from him after I bludgeon him for tempting me).

I feel fortunate that my best friend is very health conscious. She has certainly rubbed many good habits off on me. And I have picked up other “healthy” friends too. They motivate me to stay true to my resolve to keep the weight off, to abstain from processed, sugar-laden foods and keep moving. So I’m going to end this post by stating one other obvious truth….”Good company promotes good behavior.” Nuff said!