Archive for the The Journey Category

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel so broken. I feel as if my heart shrank in the night and my body is withering. Melodramic? Yes, but true. I climb out of bed and I pull on my workout clothes and I speed off into the morning air. Summer is officially over so instead of sunshine I find myself wandering in the darkness. I remember vividly the look my husband gave me last night as I munched on my ice cream cone. The “are you really eating that?” look. And I am overwhelmed with guilt and the feeling of failure. Why can’t I resist treats? Why are they so alluring? Why do they make me feel so good when I know they are so bad for me?

Each day is a new day but I am “haunted by the hounds of addiction.” (Andrew Peterson wrote that). My lust for food never goes away. And sometimes I grow so weary of fighting it. But fight it I must.

Who can I blame today for my problems? Um, well, I could blame the makers of ice cream for making it so tasty. I could blame the advertisers for selling it so well. Have I mentioned lately how much I love Dairy Queen commercials? They totally make me drool. I could blame Aldi for selling it cheap. I could also blame my children for screaming for it every night when I eliminate it from the house. But thing is, I really have no one to blame but myself.

My struggle with addiction to food confounds me. I wish there was a methadone pill that would take away the cravings. But it’s not the cravings that kill me. It’s the desire buried deep in my heart that screams for relief from life’s problems. Food numbs me. After I eat ice cream I am able to fall asleep peacefully. When I skip it I actually get jittery and struggle to rest. Now I know that if I can make myself go without it for a week or two, I can get past it. I’ve done enough reading to understand the way my brain responds to sugar and once I have lubricated my neural pathways, it takes “a minute” to set them right again.

Now some people tell me, “Margaret, you have to treat yourself now and again.” And that’s true. My fundamental problem is, when I treat myself, I can’t stop. If I eat an ice cream cone each night, then I need 2 the next night. Or, I’ll double down on chocolate syrup or something else equally bad for my body. My tolerance for indulgence will continue to climb until I literally cannot find a feeling of satisfaction. That is why I got to be as heavy as I was. Some people get sick when they overdo it with sweets. Not me. I used to make cookies and sit down and eat 2 dozen. And that was AFTER I ate my dinner. Crazy, huh?

This morning I remembered something glorious. My struggle with these demons will not last forever. While I am on this earth it will be difficult but when I die, and God gives me a new body, I won’t fight with my desire to overeat anymore. It was such a wonderfully happy thought that I started to cry. Some people might call my faith foolishness but that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. Mine gives me peace. I literally cannot imagine living with this curse forever. And I have peace knowing it is temporary.

My husband is so good to me. Last night we discussed my ice cream problem. (Keep in mind that he loves ice cream too). He reminded me that my children will not die without ice cream in the house. He told me he can make the sacrifice to live without it to save me from the temptation(sometimes I do have the willpower to resist but it’s difficult). He said eating ice cream every night is “a bad habit we’ve all gotten into.” And he said, “I will deal with the children when they start crying about it.” And I was so relieved. Thank God for him. Even better, he doesn’t judge me when he finds me licking an ice cream cone as I hide in the back of my room. What more can you ask for from a mate?

I realize this post isn’t very inspiring. I’m sorry about that. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. Unfortunately, this is my daily struggle. And while there are many good things happening in my life, and I feel like a baby whining about food, this is my reality. I hate that food takes up such a large space in my brain and I truly wish I didn’t think about it all the time. But there is grace too for this. For others who continue to struggle, please don’t give up. I’m not giving up either. Defeat is temporary. Giving up is permanent. Amen to that!

You gotta love Groupon. From discounted entertainment packages to your favorite restaurant, they’ve got a deal for everyone. I opened the email from Groupon today and noticed this: “Weight-Loss-Hypnosis Class.” I thought to myself, “Now I’ve seen everything.” Sure I’ve heard about hypnosis to lose weight, but I never actually considered it. I mean, it sounds good in theory, but after seeing a hypnotist perform in a science class in high school, I thought it was all a bunch of mumbo jumbo. So when I saw the byline in my email I was astounded to see below it, “Over 900 bought.” Wow. And only 11 people bought tickets to see the DaVinci exhibit.

FACT: people are desperate to lose weight. They will sprinkle magic “fat blocking” powder on their food and they will buy electrical-stimulation-abdominal belts to contract their abs so they don’t have to do one single sit-up. What does this say about our culture?

Yesterday a friend posted a cute little picture on Facebook that stated “I’d much rather eat pasta & drink wine than be a size zero.” I immediately identified. Who doesn’t love pasta? But it seems unfortunate that our culture continues to glorify self-indulgence at the expense of our health.

Last night my husband and I were talking about health insurance. (Yes, I’m going there.) Our youngest child has Juvenile diabetes. Due to some unforeseen dental expenses we have used nearly all of the money in my health savings account, which means we will have to come up with a chunk of change should anyone need to go to the hospital. Rest assured, unless it is broken, severed, or comatose, we will not be going to the emergency room. On one hand Americans insist on Krispy Kreme donuts, but then complain about the cost of health insurance. “Margaret, get to the point,” you say. Okay. I will. Since I lost the weight I have seen my own health improve dramatically. I’m not saying I never get sick, but instead of getting sick 1-3 times a month, I now get sick 1-3 times a year. I honestly believe it is because I am not filling my body with junk food on a regular basis. I will note, when I go on a bender and eat a lot of sugar, I get sick. Every. Single. Time. That is because refined sugars are poison and weaken the immune system.

The basic issue: we know we are fat and sick. Life without health insurance is literally unthinkable. We know most of the foods we eat are bad for us(fried chicken, cookies, French fries). We are also so desperate we will try anything (short of eating right and exercising) that will make us sexy(Vanity of vanities!). But we ignore our sickness and disease(so many studies say antioxidants in fruit and veggies prevent cancer) because we have decided eating pasta is more important than being slimmer(healthy). Modern conveniences save us having to walk up stairs or even into the grocery store to buy food(motorized carts are available). We believe the lies marketing companies tell us, “You deserve chocolate lava cake.” And we get fatter and more unhealthy every single day. The $35 billion a year diet industry is making a fortune from our ignorance and apathy. And unfortunately, the health care industry is too. But rather than address all of these issues, we spend $29 on a weight loss hypnosis class? Really? It seems we are already hypnotized. What other explanation could there be?

There are many days I wish I could go back to the way I was. Ignorance is bliss, right? I could look at a plate of Fettuccini Alfredo and not think calories and carbohydrates. I could make my daily trip to Taco Bell or White Castle and suck in chocolate shakes with reckless abandon. After all, plus size clothing stores have made it so that I can be both portly and a snappy dresser. But I can’t. I was desperately unhappy as an obese person. I physically felt terrible every single day. My butt didn’t fit in chairs. It hurt to move. I was embarrassed about my lack of self-control. And while I feel that I am fundamentally the same person, fat or thin, I feel good knowing I have taken control of my life. Discipline really is a very good thing.

Yes, losing the weight was really hard. Yes, maintaining my weight loss is a struggle. But hypnosis could never, fundamentally fix me, much the same way gastric bypass surgery misleads many obese people. Ask Al Roker! Each choice I make over the course of my life has consequences. I make a conscious decision to educate myself, eat right and move my body. The result is that I lose weight! But the moment I start eating too much, stop exercising or fall into unhealthy patterns, I will quite literally bear the weight of those decisions.

At the end of the day, it’s not about fitting into my goal blouse any more. It’s about how I feel when I walk or run, ride my bike or play baseball with my boys. I am no longer encumbered by the layer of blubber on my belly. I’m also healthy and relatively happy. And you want to know a secret? I did it for FREE.

What kind of healthy advice is that? “Keep your fat clothes?” you say. “Margaret, have you lost your mind?”

I have noticed that people like to give advice. It makes them feel good for some reason. Maybe they feel like they’re a part of my success if they tell me what I should do with my life. One piece of advice people frequently give is, “Get rid of your fat clothes.” My chiropractor even said, “Don’t give them away, burn them. And then do a jig around the fire.”

Oh, it all sounds good in theory. You’ve lost a bunch of weight. You have these extra clothes hanging around that you can’t wear anymore and they are taking up space. Chuck em. Right? WRONG.

Here are 9 reasons why you should not throw away your fat clothes:

1) You might get pregnant.

2) You might get an abdominal tumor that mimics pregnancy.

3) You might contract hypertension(swelling).

4) Your dryer might break and shrink all your skinny clothes.

5) You might have a thyroid problem you are unaware of that may flare up.

6) You might want to dress up as a fat person for Halloween.

7) You might gain weight because you ate too much ice cream every night for a month and you don’t want to sit at work with pants that are too tight because that would be uncomfortable.

8) You might want to build a fat scarecrow to frighten greedy squirrels.

9) Sledding requires extra layers of clothing.

Now, I’m not going to tell you which of the above qualifies in my particular situation. All I’m going to say is, I’m glad I kept some fat clothes. So what if I hate squirrels and have a crafty spirit?

On the flip side, skinny clothes are inspirational. When I look at the powder blue Cinderella style dress I bought at the thrift shop for $1, it makes me want to eat less pasta. Because if I can lose those extra pounds, I will be able to wear it and pretend I am a princess. Because Princesses are skinny and therefore happy. And pretty, skinny people definitely do not have problems. They are perfectly content. Then never get sad, or fired, or stab people when they get angry.

But in all seriousness…life happens. Nobody is perfect. Losing weight did not make me immune to obesity. I also know that gaining a bit of weight is not the end of the world. I am not going to get a whip and start giving myself lashes.

So for those who want to shed those extra pounds…

1) Avoid the grocery store. Shopping is bad. Besides, if there’s no food in the house, you can’t eat it.

2) Put a clothespin on your nose when the people at work break out the crockpot. Hey, it works for cartoon characters.

3) Ingest a tapeworm.

Disclaimer: Yes I have gained a few pounds. No, I do not advocate eating a tapeworm. I do advocate eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and getting more exercise.

The really and truly wonderful thing about gaining weight is I am up to the challenge of taking it back off. Also, I already know it’s not impossible so I just have to eliminate the bad habits I’ve fallen into(damn you to hell, ice cream!). And while I’m not proud of myself for eating my sad away, I don’t think it’s productive to dwell on the past. Today is glorious. Today I get to eat fresh steamed green beans(as many as I want!) and salmon and fresh made salsa from a friend. I get to skip rope and climb extra flights of stairs. See? Life is good. Squirrels and all.