Archive for the The Journey Category

It’s dark. It’s cold. And I’m hungry. Okay, I’m not really hungry, but eating makes me feel better. So why shouldn’t I self-medicate? After all, life is short. I should celebrate today and who cares about the consequences? Not me! I’d rather stay in bed, where it’s cozy and warm. The outside world is a cruel place, full of people who expect me to work and make dinner and not be fat. These people expect me to make cookie cake(birthdays again) and not eat it all. These people are definitely the enemy.

Okay, so my children aren’t really the enemy. It just feels that way sometimes. So who is the real enemy? Well, that would have to be me. I am convinced that I argue with myself more than with any other person on the planet, though my husband might dispute this fact. Whether trying to decide how much, if any dessert I will eat or whether or not to work out and what kind of workout I will do, I am always at war with my body. Worry, guilt, fear. These are the mainstays of my life. How I counteract these powerful feelings determines not only my quality of life, but who I am on the inside.

I am reminded of a movie I saw a long time ago. It is called, Leaving Las Vegas. Nicholas Cage’s character is an alcoholic. He has lost his family and is tired of fighting against his illness. He decides to move to Las Vegas and let the alcohol win. He befriends a prostitute and a strange friendship begins. The movie ends when he dies. It’s been many years since I watched it but it stuck with me. His selfishness stuck with me. And yet, I understand why he made that choice. I don’t think it was a right choice, but I do understand it. We all have the capacity to self-destruct. Self-destruction is choice.

On days like today I question why I persist in this healthy lifestyle routine. After all, it is more of a routine than anything at this point. I’m in the habit of exercising and making healthy food choices. But most people don’t understand the war that rages in my heart every time I am faced with food of any kind. I am fully aware at any given moment that I could go to Taco Bell, order up my favorite meal and chase it with chocolate. No one is going to stop me. And if I don’t care, and since it is my body, why shouldn’t I?

Today I am going to remind myself why I am fighting this battle. Keep reading. This might apply to you too.

1) My life matters. Not only to my husband and children, but to those lives I interact with on a daily basis. As if this weren’t important enough, my life matters to me. Would I want to live with myself if I gave up? Would I respect me? Wouldn’t I be wasting this entire journey of getting to know myself, and learning how my body works? Wasn’t I so happy when I discovered losing weight was not impossible?

2) My choices matter. If I stopped exercising and eating right, I would personally experience a decline in health. I am quite certain I would start to get sick on a regular basis again. But say I could live with that. After all, Burrito Supremes are mighty tasty. And say I could live with gaining all the weight back. If I was content with that, why should it matter? It’s my body. It’s my life. My decision to eat is just that, my decision. But the simple truth is, my choices impact the lives of those around me. When people like Melissa McCarthy make being fat funny, they perpetuate the lie that being fat is fun. I know better. So if I choose to jump off the healthy bandwagon, I am, by that very decision, telling people it’s okay to hurt their bodies with food. It may be my body, but my choices definitely affect the lives of those around me.

3) I want to be in control of my body, not the other way around. This may sound simplistic, but before I got healthy I used to get what I call “the sugar shakes.” I had to have candy with me at all times. I had stashes everywhere. If I ran out I would get sick and shaky. As a result of eating candy all the time, I rarely experienced true hunger. This made eating not as much fun. Which sent me in pursuit of more savory foods, which made me fatter. I was always seeking a way to make eating an even more over the top experience. I was a slave to my desire for more and “better” food. At the expense of everything else. I am at my ugliest when I am serving my desire for food. Food was more important than my husband, my children, my job, and most importantly, my relationship with God.

For me, self-discipline enables me to live the way I truly want to live. Do I hate fighting with myself? Yes. But self-indulgence followed to its logical end is loathsome. I can say this because I’ve experienced it. Much the same way Nicholas Cage’s character in Leaving Las Vegas left a bad taste in my mouth, so does going back to the way I used to live.

I sometimes wonder what this struggle will look like when I’m 50 or 60 years old. Will it be as hard? Will I still be sensitive to people who struggle to stay healthy? Will I have reverted to “pre-healthy” Margaret? I have a very definitive struggle with emotional eating. I get sad, tired or stressed and I run towards food. But I am not unique. And I am not alone. Some days, like today, I don’t want to fight anymore. It’s old now.

But it’s worth it. After all, I am still fighting. And that’s all that really matters.

Fridays are happy days. The Cardinals won the NLDS and I was there in person to see it with my best kid. I was talking to a friend at work today and said, “I was close enough to see Jadi’s…” He finished my sentence….”Tattoos?” I said, “Well, I wasn’t going to say tattoos.” He said, “Well, we’ll go with that.” It was such a fun night. The best thing about the night was I won green seat tickets from my work.

Yes, that is David Freese. I was close enough to see his tattoos too. 🙂

Now if you don’t know what green seat tickets are, they come with access to the Cardinals Club, which includes an all you can eat buffet. I made the decision to eat what I wanted because I was celebrating. They had the best green beans I have ever tasted and a corn chowder that is still making my mouth water. I kept walking around telling the staff “thank you” and “this food is amazing” and they were all laughing at me. I guess that’s not customary behavior for people who can afford those kinds of tickets.

The problem is, I was set loose at an all you can eat buffet. This is paradise for a food addict like me. I will spare you the play-by-play. Needless to say, it is a night that will go down healthy-living infamy.

I had the great pleasure to sit by a girlfriend from work and her husband. She happened to tell him about my weight loss and he looked at me and said, “No way. How’d you do it?” I like how she mentioned this as I was stuffing my face with chocolate ice cream. “Well, I didn’t eat sugar….and…” I just felt stupid. I felt like a Christian caught cursing.

And just like that I’m derailed. There are always a million excuses for me to celebrate with food and only a handful of reasons not to. And fitting into my favorite skirt isn’t very compelling when faced with handmade cannoli’s. Even worse, I don’t feel very guilty. If ever there was an occasion to celebrate with food, that was it.

What I will say is that I had more fun dancing and cheering and acting like a crazy person than I have in a long time. My son was embarrassed which means I did it right. My friend from work said the people in the Jones box thought her seatmate should settle down. It was simply, a wonderful time.

Because I am generally healthy I was able to do all of this without breaking a sweat. And I felt that while I was there. I never got out of breath from dancing too hard nor did I have to sit down because I was too tired. Granted there was a lot of adrenaline flowing, but it was fantastic nonetheless. And this is why I will never stop trying to stay healthy. I love how good it feels to dance and play and not be burdened with my weight. I have worked so long and so hard, and it was worth every tear, every missed snack and every painful workout to get to this place.

Tomorrow I am really looking forward to my walk. I may even jog a little. I get to tour Ferguson and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. Tonight, I celebrate life. I am so happy to be alive and blessed beyond measure.

Do you know that moment where you feel a whim coming on? It seems like a good idea so you take the first step. And then you think, hm, I don’t know if that was wise but I’m one step in, I may as well take two. 50 steps later you gasp at the carnage but you can’t go back. You’re in it up to your chin. That, my friends, is how you accidently cut 8 inches off your hair.

It’s not like I don’t have practice being an idiot. I do this with food all the time. Raisins are my supreme downfall. At least with cookies I have the good sense to stop after I eat a couple because I know they are bad for me. But raisins? They are kind of healthy, so I generally keep eating until I consume the whole box. I am definitely challenged when it comes to impulse control.

Here’s the thing, I need to stop and be more intentional. I am a very busy person and generally rush from one thing to the next without a lot of thought. I am learning that I must stop and think before I make decisions. I just really wish I didn’t have to learn everything the hard way.

All of that to say, I really do try to learn from my mistakes. And I endeavor to make better choices. And with that said, here is my new “Margaret-do”.

After all, a bad haircut isn’t the end of the world.

Today is a good day. A beautiful day. And tomorrow, shoot, it’s going to be even better.