Archive for the The Journey Category

I remember what it felt like to sit down in a chair and wonder if it was going to break. Even worse, would I fit at all? Or when I talked to my doctor and explained how I kept working out but I wasn’t losing any weight and asked him to check my thyroid. He patted me on the leg-smugly I might add-and said, “Now, Dear, you know about all those snacks you’re eating.” I was mortified. I was fat and felt a strong mixture of embarrassment, disappointment in myself, and hopelessness. Every. Single. Day.

When I look at a heavy person today I wonder who they are on the inside. What are their hopes and dreams? Who do they want to be when they “grow up”? Are they happy or do they wish they could fade into the background like I used to? And then I wonder, if they knew my story, would they be inspired to try to lose weight one more time? Or am I simply projecting all of my issues on to that anonymous person? Maybe they like carrying around extra weight. And who am I to judge if they do?

I used to think skinny people didn’t have problems. Maybe it was because I so desperately wanted to be thin. I thought if only I could lose the weight, all of my problems would fade. I thought I deserved to suffer, that I wasn’t worthy of love because I was so undisciplined. And in my deepest moments of pain I grabbed the mixer and whipped a batch of chocolate “bliss” cookies and slowly numbed the pain.

When I think about what my life used to look and feel like, I experience sadness tinged with relief. It’s true, I’m not a prisoner in my own body any longer, but more importantly, I’m not bound by cords of negative thinking. Somehow I found the escape route. And the joy I feel now motivates me to share my story because I want others to experience that too.

I began this journey three and a half years ago armed with very few resources and little hope that I could accomplish my goal…to lose 100 pounds. I suffered through agonizing withdrawals from my favorite foods and torturous walks up *gasp* hills(plural!). I cried a lot. I was angry at myself quite frequently. But I refused to give up because I knew to surrender to my desire for food would never, ever make me truly happy.

My first winter, when it was too cold to walk outside I taped workout routines on television(Gilad and Kathe). I picked up a kickboxing video by Kathy Smith and effectively pulled my ribs out of joint punching and kicking all over my living room. I strained my Achilles tendon. My knees ached. And last but not least, I tore the cartilage in my hip. But I didn’t lose my resolve to stay healthy. If I could never work out another day in my life(because I became a quadruple amputee) yes, I would be sad, but I would still do everything in my power to eat right and move(even if I had to have my husband push me around in a wheelbarrow.

Yesterday I had the distinct pleasure to meet Kathy Smith in person. I was able to share a little bit of my story and get my picture taken with her. It was such an honor to meet her, not because she’s a celebrity, but because I know she shares my passion for physical and mental fitness. I have always wondered if I had the opportunity to do a live aerobics class, would I be able to keep up. I don’t have to wonder any more. This morning I had the privilege to work out with Kathy Smith live and I did more than keep up, I had fun.

I love my life. I love the healthy body I have worked so hard for. I know I am blessed because there are many people in this world who do everything right and are still unhealthy, through no fault of their own. I will never take it for granted. I also know I am still Margaret and I still struggle with food addiction. But it doesn’t define me. I am fighting it with every sinew in my body. I am studying and learning everything I can to take care of my one and only body. I no longer fret and worry over “having to work out every day for the rest of my life.” I just go out and enjoy it.

I’m not worried about chairs breaking when I sit down any more. And for that I am deeply thankful. Getting from there to here has been a long and winding journey, but I wouldn’t change a single second of it. Because every (painful) step, every unsatisfied craving, and every tear I wiped on my sleeve brought me to where I am today. The place where I am doing planks in my living room while my youngest son says, “Mommy, you look like a bridge.” Yes, Son. I do. And you know what? I feel as strong as a bridge too.

Just call me Tap Dancing Tonya! I’ve got rings on my fingers and bells on my toes and I’m feeling awesome wherever I go. There is nothing better than running on clean fuel. I took a pit stop on Sunday when I tried to bake gluten free cornbread. And while it was mighty tasty, within an hour of eating it, I was pretty sick. Even though it didn’t have wheat, my body did not like the highly processed flours. And because I had been feeling so great up until that point in time, I took it rather hard. It was kind of like getting smacked upside the head with Thor’s hammer.

As I ate my salad at lunch today I realized that people spend large sums of money on drugs designed to fix their ills and I’m fixing mine with healthy food. I can eat something yummy and good for my body for about $3.00 and feel clear and sparkly, like those pictures they put on spring water that is sold in the grocery store. It sounds crazy and utterly too good to be true, but I’m living proof that it’s possible.

I can manage multiple projects. I have extra energy. I’m happy. And I didn’t even murder my children when they flooded the house the other night. And all because I cut a couple things out of my diet? Wow! If I had known this, I would have done it years ago.

The stress at work has been high this week. There is so much going on, and I really hate to think how I’d be handling it if I hadn’t made this change. Now I’m not saying it would work for everyone, but it sure is working for me. My point is this, if you are sad, tired and sick of being overweight, if you hate your life and don’t know why, if you think about walking into the headlights of oncoming traffic,(don’t do that!), and you are willing to try anything, start by changing your diet. Food is the fuel by which our bodies run. It won’t hurt you to eat more vegetables and less refined white flour/sugar. Making that small sacrifice might just drastically improve the quality of your life.

I have been living with depression for years and never understood why I felt so bad. Now I see the cycle. And what’s so awful about it is that I would eat cookies and candy to help me feel better when they were really making everything worse. I may not have a full on gluten/dairy allergy, but my body is so much happier without them. I would pay a lot of money to fix my depression. If I knew of a sure fire pill, I would take it. So why not adjust my diet? It just makes good common sense.

I am so thankful God is showing me how to take care of myself. Life is hard. Life is imperfect. And we all have a lot of problems. So if I can change this one small thing(yes, I’m calling a gluten/dairy free diet a small thing) I am pleased as punch. It’s one thing I can control. And hopefully, by sharing this with people, maybe someone else will find a way to help lessen their depression too.

That thing would be me. It is so much fun to be different. It catches people off guard. Like, when I’m walking down the hall and I see a casual acquaintance and I wave erratically to say hello instead of the standard, smile and nod greeting that is common in the workplace. People smile more when I do these things. Like when I get excited about my grapefruit and toss it in the air like a baseball and catch it as I “celebrate” back to my desk. I like to think people are happy that I seem to be enjoying myself. They are definitely not thinking, “There goes the lunatic again.”

Today is Friday the 13th. I know the calendar says November 1st but it lies. Because too much wild and wacky stuff happened today for it to be a normal day. Oh, and the moon is full too. You don’t need to look at the sky. You can take my word for it. Most of the day I felt much like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth between two deranged orangutans. This is how I earn my paycheck, bobbing back and forth. Ask any executive assistant. That is how we roll. And I have every reason to be crabby about it. I could stamp and moan. I could grab a cigarette, make my face pruny and scowl. I could blather on about crossed wires and fake-outs, malfunctioning scanners and goats but nobody wants to hear about that anyway. And besides, kicking the goat isn’t going to make my job easier.

Today I am celebrating. Why, you ask? Well, I feel like I’ve been set free. I have this raging food addiction that drives me batty just about every day of my life. Like a 16 year old boy thinks about sex, I think about food. I’m not kidding. It’s that bad. One of the ways I got through the first month with no sugar was by fantasizing about eating chocolate chip cookies. That can’t be normal. But yesterday was Halloween and I didn’t crave candy at all. In fact, I gathered a giant bag of candy from work and brought it home to my husband and teenage son(that’s how I know about the sex thing) and watched them eat it while I snacked on pumpkin seeds and raisins. And I wasn’t unhappy. In fact, I was completely satisfied. So here is where I let you under the tent…. where I explain how this could be humanly possible.

I had an injection of alien DNA and I am now cured forever of my addiction. Okay, that’s not entirely true, though my mother might attest to the fact that I’ve always been a little “off.” I decided to cut sugar, diary and gluten from my diet. I am on day four and I feel like a million ducks. And I feel so good I don’t miss them. Really. And I hope like crazy I continue to feel this good. Because if it’s that easy to get rid of my depression, man, I am one lucky girl! And no cravings and constant thinking about when I get to eat again. Holy mother of jackpots! I’m a winner!

So if I’m strutting around the office waving my arms like a twitchy cricket, and serenading people who walk into my cube with “Hello Dolly,” well, who can blame me? People like positive energy. In fact, I have seen more genuine smiles today than I have all week. Bring on the crossed wires, malfunctioning scanners and belching goats. Besides, I’ve got some really great Groucho Marx impressions to polish up on.

*Disclaimer – no goats were harmed during the writing of this blog.