Archive for the The Journey Category

If you are easily offended, maybe you should skip this column.

Still reading? Okay. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I ate a high fat meal for dinner last night and found myself feeling a bit bloated this morning. After I ran, I cooked my hard boiled eggs and drove to work, as I usually do. But on the way to work I had a wonderful idea. A gloriously wondrous, momentous idea. Maybe if I ate my favorite cabbage salad for breakfast WITH my hard boiled eggs, it would help clean out my system and wash away the bad fats I was bedeviled with. I really do love my cabbage and I freely admit I enjoyed every bite.

But when lunch time arrived I realized all I had was my hummus. So I went to the café to get some veggies to go with it. Low and behold they had fresh steamed brussel sprouts. Miracle of miracles! It is my new favorite veggie so I got extra. And I got steamed carrots for dessert. YUM!

Recap:

Breakfast: Large bowl of grated cabbage and hard boiled eggs.

Lunch: Hummus(bean dip), brussel sprouts, and steamed carrots.

Around 2:00pm I ate my big bowl of red grapes and sighed with joy. What an utterly wonderful food day. I felt so clean and shiny inside. I drank my water with glee and smiled at what a “good” girl I was.

And then it was 3:00pm and I felt a strange rumbly in my tumbly. And then it happened. Toot! Toot! And there wasn’t a train in sight. And it smelled very bad. And that was only the beginning. As it got increasingly worse and there was no containing it, I began to worry. What do the people in the cubes next to me think? Do they know from whence the farts originate? Are they all choking and crying and gasping for air but afraid to offend me? Or is it really not that bad and I’m over reacting?

I was so relieved(pun intended) when 4:15 arrived and I began to wrap things up. And then one of the men I work with came into my cube to tell me something. And I could swear I saw him wriggle his nose. And he didn’t intimate that he smelled anything but he cut the conversation short and slowly backed out of my cube. And it really would have been funny except that I was horribly embarrassed.

So today I learned a lesson. Keep beano on hand at all times. For I do love my fresh veggies, but it feels terribly wrong to inflict such intestinal carnage on my co-workers. Learn from my unfortunate experiences, my friends. And do not become a helpless victim of flatulence.

If you haven’t figure it out already, it’s the holiday season! That means gluttony reigns supreme and moderation is the wicked step-sister. Poke her in the eye and put her in the back seat, boys! It’s time to chow down. It is a time of excruciating mind games for the compulsive eater and I am not immune, no matter what my co-workers, friends or strangers-who-think-they-know-me assume. Saying I like to eat is like calling a pig, well, fat.

So bring on the bacon! It’s December 2nd and time for my first(of many) holiday lunches. For those who can’t attend, send in your dessert order early. It will be delivered to your desk because heaven forbid you miss that 2,000 calorie double-decker chocolate cake. So how does a food addict survive? Do I pretend to be sick and bow out? Do I attend and watch everyone else eat? Do I act self-righteous and talk about how good I am because I don’t eat sugar/dairy/gluten? (That is a sure fire way to make new friends and influence people). Or do I simply get a plate and nibble(which is sort-of like being stapled and hung from a magnet)?

With all that in mind, here is my early Christmas gift to you, 8 strategies to survive the holiday feast:

1) Eat lots of veggies. So you hate Brussels sprouts? Get over it! Like Nike says, Just do(eat) it! Seriously. They will have carrots. And carrots are sweet. Eat those instead of cheesecake balls. It’s kind-of the same thing.

2) Eat before you go. If you’re not hungry, you can’t eat too much.

3) When someone passes the bread, say you need to use the restroom. Stay in there for 15 minutes and come out holding your stomach. Constipated look is optional but very effective.

4) Whistle. If you’re whistling you can’t put food into your mouth.

5) When someone offers you “bad” foods, wave your hand in the air and say, “I never did mind about the little things.” (I learned this from the movie Point of No Return) You get bonus points if you imitate Bridget Fonda.

6) Hire Gordon Ramsay to follow you around. Let him taste everything first. After he dissects and articulates how awful the food is, you will have lost your appetite.

7) Pretend you are a nun and eating said food is a cardinal sin. Seriously. Be stern with yourself. You know you are going to regret it later, so save yourself the heartburn and emotional anguish and just say no.

8) Finally, toss your plate in the trash. If you have a weakness for certain foods and people force them on you like Attila the “Food” Hun, throw it away. Carry it around on your plate for a while and when no one is looking, just trash it. My friend Becky has a weakness for Brach’s Candy Pumpkins. People send them to her in the mail because they think she is deprived. When she is strong, she puts them directly in the circular file. I know it feels wasteful, but if you remember that kind of “food” is toxic to your body, you will be more apt to forgive yourself.

So there you have it. I survived my first holiday lunch by employing several of the strategies listed above. I’ll let you guess which ones. Mix and match to your heart’s content. Then share anecdotes with your friends. It’s more fun that way. And if you have additional strategies, please sound off in the comments. I love picking up new ideas!

Ferguson has been the favorite city of tornadoes in recent years. The monstrous weather events have ripped through my town and left carnage in their path. First, we were hit in 2011. My house was spared but many of my neighbors suffered great loss. My sister had a large oak tree in her backyard that was ripped from its roots and tossed onto her house. The devastation to her neighborhood was brutal. Many of us were glad when 2011 was over. We rebuilt and moved forward.

Fast forward to 2013. Our family now possesses a weather radio. We sat huddled in the basement and listened to it while another tornado ripped past our house. It was eerily reminiscent of the last event only we felt more seasoned, more prepared to deal with the aftermath. We had purchased a gas stove so we could still cook and therefore the next few days without power were not so stressful. Again, my neighbors rebuilt and we all moved forward.

But tonight as I drove through my neighborhood I realized that though the downed trees have been removed and all the buildings have been repaired, the landscape has been forever altered. The sun sets through trees that are broken and missing limbs. Other trees that helped mark January Wabash Park are completely gone. The horizon looks like a row of jagged teeth that have been broken by someone with brass knuckles. It is heart-wrenching. There is no denying we live in a place that has been altered by tragedy.

Personal tragedy is no different. Often when life takes a turn for the worst we shrink into our shells and try to hide our heads, as if we should be embarrassed about our pain because it has made us ugly. All we can see are the broken limbs and missing pieces of ourselves. We think life should have turned out differently. We think we should be more like our friends, who have “perfect” lives and no inherent defects. Somehow we begin to question our value because all we can see is what we think our lives should be and not what it is.

This world is very often a sad place. Bad things happen to good people. Pain interrupts our lives. Tragedy strikes. Sometimes it is preventable, but often it is not. Sometimes it is all we can do to just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving, even if it is aimlessly toward the freezer for more ice cream.

If pain has altered the landscape of your life, ask for help. Meet with a friend and seek encouragement. Go for a walk. Eat ice cream, if it helps. But don’t give up. You can rebuild. You can forge ahead. While you push forward make sure to focus more on your blessings rather than the suffering you are currently enduring. Perspective can make the difference between despair and hope.

Right now things look pretty bleak in Ferguson. The skyline is not what it once was. The leaves are gone and winter is bearing down on us like a hungry lion. We feel weak and unable to run another step. But winter does not last forever. Before we know it Spring will come and with it buds, flowers and new growth. The greenery will cover what was once broken and life will once again “spring” forth. The same is true with personal pain. If we choose to learn and grow through our suffering, we will come out the other side stronger. More importantly, we will have the hard-won knowledge that comes from surviving, and that is both poignant and priceless.