Archive for the The Journey Category

The past several days have been unseasonably warm. That would be great except they have been gray, humid and well, kind-of gross. It’s not like spring, where there is the hope of 70’s and green grass. It’s December. I personally feel December should be cold(not too cold) and snowy(which should melt within 2 days). December should NOT be humid and warm.

So when I peeled myself from my bed this morning, grumpy and sullen, I felt a distinct sense of, “I don’t want to go to work today. I want to stay home and sulk.” And why shouldn’t I? I could skip my workout. I could turn on Lifetime television. I could wear soft fuzzy pants(they make me happy) and eat raisins and chocolate all day. No one would have to know. Because some days the only person I feel accountable to is me and I’m not in the mood to lead. Today, I would rather be a slacker.

But….(and it’s a big butt!)…

My crazy, healthy, evil twin was not having any of that today. She put me in my place and said, “Hey, you! Lazy buns! It’s 50 degrees outside in December and I don’t care how gray and gloomy it is. Get your booty out there and move!” Yes, I do talk to myself and listen, I’ve never pretended to be sane. If you want normal, visit another blog.

So I turned on my favorite tunes(this morning it was the book of Hebrews) and marched up my street and into the great wide open.

While my crazy, healthy, evil twin whipped me into shape I humbly obeyed. For I really am a weak-willed, lazy, sugar-fiend. She had me jogging(when I wanted to walk) and pumping my arms when I wanted to flop in the middle of the street in rebellion. But when I completed my first mile, I started to feel like maybe she did have my best interests at heart.

Then it started to drizzle. Sweat and rain dripped into my eyes and I realized I was hot. Except these facts did not make me cranky, they ramped up my determination to show that crazy, healthy, evil twin how strong I really am.

All of this to say, something really cool happens to your body when you push yourself. It’s not just physical, though endorphins are really awesome. It’s emotional and spiritual too. Disciplining one’s body by forcing it to do something it doesn’t inherently want to do, gives you a feeling of accomplishment. By making yourself do something difficult, you begin to realize it bears fruit. How, you ask? Well, taking control of your life by harnessing your body is one of the most difficult things you will ever do in your life. Walking up that hill might take your breath away the first few times, but on the 5th trip, when you make it to the top without gasping for air or clinging to the curb, a light bulb will go off in your brain. You will say, “Hey, I didn’t think I could do that but I can. Holy mother of Moses! I am stronger than I thought!” Persevering through demanding physical work makes us strong emotionally, as well as physically. Yes, working out feels like crap when you are out of shape. But if you make a habit of it, you will begin to feel REALLY good.

So I was driving to work and still a little out of sorts. It was still rainy and still drizzling and traffic was not fun. So I turned on my favorite Switchfoot album(okay, they are all my favorites) but today it was “Bullet Soul.” And I danced in my seat while I was sitting on the highway waiting for the log jam to move. It was awesome. And I thought to myself, this is why I got healthy. So I could FEEL like I won the lottery even though all I’m doing is sitting in my car. So while I get awfully aggravated at my crazy, healthy evil twin and want to tell her, “Don’t be such a show-off”, I am secretly giving her a high five. Because when I danced up the stairs into work today, while all the other drones were dragging @ss, I realized I may be completely insane, but I no longer weigh 310 pounds and that is one heck of a reason to celebrate.

If you are easily offended, maybe you should skip this column.

Still reading? Okay. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I ate a high fat meal for dinner last night and found myself feeling a bit bloated this morning. After I ran, I cooked my hard boiled eggs and drove to work, as I usually do. But on the way to work I had a wonderful idea. A gloriously wondrous, momentous idea. Maybe if I ate my favorite cabbage salad for breakfast WITH my hard boiled eggs, it would help clean out my system and wash away the bad fats I was bedeviled with. I really do love my cabbage and I freely admit I enjoyed every bite.

But when lunch time arrived I realized all I had was my hummus. So I went to the café to get some veggies to go with it. Low and behold they had fresh steamed brussel sprouts. Miracle of miracles! It is my new favorite veggie so I got extra. And I got steamed carrots for dessert. YUM!

Recap:

Breakfast: Large bowl of grated cabbage and hard boiled eggs.

Lunch: Hummus(bean dip), brussel sprouts, and steamed carrots.

Around 2:00pm I ate my big bowl of red grapes and sighed with joy. What an utterly wonderful food day. I felt so clean and shiny inside. I drank my water with glee and smiled at what a “good” girl I was.

And then it was 3:00pm and I felt a strange rumbly in my tumbly. And then it happened. Toot! Toot! And there wasn’t a train in sight. And it smelled very bad. And that was only the beginning. As it got increasingly worse and there was no containing it, I began to worry. What do the people in the cubes next to me think? Do they know from whence the farts originate? Are they all choking and crying and gasping for air but afraid to offend me? Or is it really not that bad and I’m over reacting?

I was so relieved(pun intended) when 4:15 arrived and I began to wrap things up. And then one of the men I work with came into my cube to tell me something. And I could swear I saw him wriggle his nose. And he didn’t intimate that he smelled anything but he cut the conversation short and slowly backed out of my cube. And it really would have been funny except that I was horribly embarrassed.

So today I learned a lesson. Keep beano on hand at all times. For I do love my fresh veggies, but it feels terribly wrong to inflict such intestinal carnage on my co-workers. Learn from my unfortunate experiences, my friends. And do not become a helpless victim of flatulence.

If you haven’t figure it out already, it’s the holiday season! That means gluttony reigns supreme and moderation is the wicked step-sister. Poke her in the eye and put her in the back seat, boys! It’s time to chow down. It is a time of excruciating mind games for the compulsive eater and I am not immune, no matter what my co-workers, friends or strangers-who-think-they-know-me assume. Saying I like to eat is like calling a pig, well, fat.

So bring on the bacon! It’s December 2nd and time for my first(of many) holiday lunches. For those who can’t attend, send in your dessert order early. It will be delivered to your desk because heaven forbid you miss that 2,000 calorie double-decker chocolate cake. So how does a food addict survive? Do I pretend to be sick and bow out? Do I attend and watch everyone else eat? Do I act self-righteous and talk about how good I am because I don’t eat sugar/dairy/gluten? (That is a sure fire way to make new friends and influence people). Or do I simply get a plate and nibble(which is sort-of like being stapled and hung from a magnet)?

With all that in mind, here is my early Christmas gift to you, 8 strategies to survive the holiday feast:

1) Eat lots of veggies. So you hate Brussels sprouts? Get over it! Like Nike says, Just do(eat) it! Seriously. They will have carrots. And carrots are sweet. Eat those instead of cheesecake balls. It’s kind-of the same thing.

2) Eat before you go. If you’re not hungry, you can’t eat too much.

3) When someone passes the bread, say you need to use the restroom. Stay in there for 15 minutes and come out holding your stomach. Constipated look is optional but very effective.

4) Whistle. If you’re whistling you can’t put food into your mouth.

5) When someone offers you “bad” foods, wave your hand in the air and say, “I never did mind about the little things.” (I learned this from the movie Point of No Return) You get bonus points if you imitate Bridget Fonda.

6) Hire Gordon Ramsay to follow you around. Let him taste everything first. After he dissects and articulates how awful the food is, you will have lost your appetite.

7) Pretend you are a nun and eating said food is a cardinal sin. Seriously. Be stern with yourself. You know you are going to regret it later, so save yourself the heartburn and emotional anguish and just say no.

8) Finally, toss your plate in the trash. If you have a weakness for certain foods and people force them on you like Attila the “Food” Hun, throw it away. Carry it around on your plate for a while and when no one is looking, just trash it. My friend Becky has a weakness for Brach’s Candy Pumpkins. People send them to her in the mail because they think she is deprived. When she is strong, she puts them directly in the circular file. I know it feels wasteful, but if you remember that kind of “food” is toxic to your body, you will be more apt to forgive yourself.

So there you have it. I survived my first holiday lunch by employing several of the strategies listed above. I’ll let you guess which ones. Mix and match to your heart’s content. Then share anecdotes with your friends. It’s more fun that way. And if you have additional strategies, please sound off in the comments. I love picking up new ideas!