Archive for the The Journey Category

Life offers up a steady stream of disappointment. We don’t get that raise we were expecting. Our child contracts a life altering disease. Evil, tone deaf musicians move in next door. And when we least expect it, we disappoint ourselves when the free cherry Kringle jumps out from behind our cubicle and stuffs its sweet gooeyness down our throat. It’s all so unfair.

We fight back only to get slapped in the face when said musicians accuse us of backing into their car. It matters not that they park behind our driveway in the middle of the street. We should have mastered the art of altering the earths gravitational pull, or at least run over our beautifully manicured grass in order to avoid them. Just think? We could have had normal, brownie baking neighbors, not these crazed, bass-thumping insomniacs. Mmm. Brownies.

It must be January. It’s that time of year when everyone gets depressed. While walking in my neighborhood this past weekend I saw a fellow winding up his Christmas lights. He had this sad, dejected, look on his face, like someone ran over his puppy. After all, nobody wins awards for removing their holiday decorations. This must be why I don’t like to put up lights, but I digress.

So how do we fight back? Do we eat more Kringle? Do we punch the neighbors? Do we seek a new job? Do we stew in our angry juices until we are forced to work out our problems through vicious stress-laden nightmares? (or is that just me?) If we feed it, disappointment festers and poisons our soul. Pretty soon we are sobbing in the ear of a co-worker who could care less(I was on the receiving end of this today). All because our expectations met reality and it was a much larger, much hairier beast than we ever could have imagined.

I say we should tackle disappointment head on. Poke it in the eye! Sock it in the gut. Seriously! Give it a knee kick to the groin. So it’s cold outside and your morning walk has been sabotaged? Kick up the Katy Perry and shake your money maker in the living room. So you indulged a little too much over Christmas. Treat yourself by skipping dessert today. Imagine how great you will feel tomorrow knowing you overcame that temptation. At my place of employment we like to call this kind of solution a “work-around” or “alternative solution.” What it really means is not settling for the status quo. So things didn’t go your way? That’s life, Baby. Bad stuff is going to happen. You are going to make poor choices. The car will breakdown. Sure, it’s a bummer. It’s a drag, Man! But it’s not the end of the story. So you weigh 310 pounds from stuffing your face with M&M’s, cookies and fudge for the past decade. Listen to me and listen closely…

Today is a new day.

Forgive yourself and move forward.

This is only a temporary setback.

Set a vision of what your life will look like 30 days from today if you make a healthy plan and stick to it. Then imagine yourself in 90 days and in one year. And when the losers at work tell you that donut is worth the calories, smile and nod(don’t eat it!!) and then make a bulls eye with their face on it and throw darts at it. (at home–not at work–your supervision might frown on that) Life is too short to focus on the infinite disappointments. I encourage you to go out and write success stories. Todays failure is a life lesson learned that contributes to tomorrow’s success. If you are reading this you are still alive, which means you have hope.

The moment I realized how important it was to forgive and love myself was the moment true change took root. I realized I loved myself too much not to try. Sure, part of that was wanting to prove to some people that I could do it. But honestly, I was mainly trying to prove it to myself. Yes, Margaret. You can lose the weight. It is not impossible. Yes, losers. You were wrong. Now I’m jogging circles around you(even on my bad hip).

Disappointment and pain can be the catalysts that lead to true life transformation. But only if we embrace and learn from them.

Fifteen years ago I let disappointment derail me. I nursed a broken heart until it was bloated and sick. Today I know better. Today disappointment challenges me to find a different solution, not the least of which is getting off my bum and riding my elliptical even when I don’t want to. I know that Spring is coming. It comes every year and I’m counting the days. I can almost see my pink Dogwood in bloom and feel the wind in my hair as I fly down Pershall Road on my bike. No amount of snow or ice can dampen that vision.

The first day of my new and improved life began on May 5th, 2010. I was sick to death of myself and my addictions and I took a chance that maybe, just maybe, I could change. Today is January 21st, 2014. Make this the first day of your new and improved life. I promise, you won’t be disappointed.

Every day is a gift you’ve been given. Make the most of your time, every minute you’re given!

I was sitting in traffic this morning when I heard that country music star, Trace Adkins, had relapsed after 12 years of sobriety. He was headlining a cruise and attacked a Trace Adkins impersonator. I wonder what that looked like, but I digress. He immediately got off the boat and went into rehab. I can imagine his humiliation. I wondered what triggered the impulse to drink again. Was he having marital trouble? Was it work stress? Or was he simply tired and sick of saying no to the voices in his head that screamed for a drink?

Life has its way of throwing us curve balls. It takes so little to trigger the impulse to reach for a familiar vice. That thing, whatever it is, that comforts us when our world turns sour. Like a warm blanket on a cold night, it has the power to numb the pain, if only for a moment. We get there by rationalizing the indiscretion away. I’ll only have one. I’ve been so good and I deserve it. I stopped once. I can stop again. And before we know it we are in the devil’s grasp and he is squeezing us black and blue.

Addiction is much more prevalent in our society than we would like to admit. From video games, television and iphone apps, we all have something we “depend” on. People tell me all the time I need to watch Downton Abbey, but the spooky crack-addicted gleam in their eye keeps me away. Besides, I don’t want to sit on my couch for 3 days to catch up on previous seasons.

Sometimes I get really down about my food issues and start down a dark path. I begin to wish I could eat whatever I wanted and not get fat. Then I consider the thin people who can eat endless donuts without gaining and ounce and I find myself feeling bitter. Before I know it I’m chuffing cookies and saying “So long cruel world” as if I really have problems. Yes, vanity does drive me to watch what I eat much more than feeling good. I freely admit that gaining 10 pounds really does a number on my brain.

Besides, I’ve been gaining and losing the same 10 pounds for a year now. I guess this is what they call maintaining one’s weight. I don’t like it. It’s old now. Why can’t I restrain my urges 100% of the time? And why am I so insecure that when I do gain the weight I feel as if I’ve grown a third eye?

As I contemplate my weaknesses and the daily struggle to live a healthy lifestyle, I know I must examine the truths I have learned over the past 4 years. Prolonged self-indulgence does not ensure happiness. Undisciplined behavior leads to reckless(and unhappy) living. Self-control is a badge of honor that reveals strong character. These hard fought truths remind me why I cannot sink back into the depths of addiction. No matter how badly I want those cookies, they are not ever, and I mean EVER, going to fill me up. The hole in my heart cannot be filled with food and I must address the endless ache there rather than eat. It’s like getting a shot of Novocain. It might numb the pain for a while but it doesn’t fix the cavity, which will continue to rot the tooth until it is extracted.

I was 24 years old the first time I lost the weight. I lost 125 pounds and gained back 140. I gained because my heart was broken and I kept trying to mend it with food. Guess what? It doesn’t work. I have tried for years to fix my problems with food. The only thing food-medication has ever given me is more problems. So this struggle to stay healthy is right and noble. No matter how bad I feel, I know food will never fix me. It will only make me worse. But the terrible truth is that without food I will die, so I am forced to live my life on a teeter-totter, trying to balance the good with the bad and not tilt too far in the wrong direction.

If you are on a path of addiction today and can’t get a handle on it, ask for help. I know that I have a God who is bigger than my desire to eat and He helps me keep my priorities in the right place. He does fill the holes in my heart and gives me peace and joy besides. I couldn’t fight this battle without Him. I struggle the most when I push Him to the side. Because the real truth is, food is not my fundamental problem. My heart is. And when I try to soothe my heart with food I get very, very lost.

Today I said a prayer for Trace Adkins. I hope that he finds his way and is healed of his terrible addiction. And I know I certainly have one thing to be thankful for….Thank God I’m not a celebrity! I couldn’t handle having my struggles analyzed and made fun of while blurry fat pictures of my person were distributed and dissected by the media.

Well, hello winter! Hello cold air! Goodbye fresh air! It was nice knowing you. I prefer stale air anyway. I prefer to be trapped inside with 3 ornery children and a humongous stash of left-over Christmas cookies. I know I have the will power to resist them. After all, I’ve been resisting them for over 2 months now. And then I got the flu. And I felt like garbage, so I caved and began to nibble, munch and whole-heartedly devour every crumb I could get my hands on. Pretty sad, huh?

Better yet, after being trapped in the house for several days we found that the wonderful, cold, winter weather can killed my car. We cannot get it to start no matter how much jump-starting we try. And then there is the issue of our bathroom remodel project, which is not commencing nearly as fast as any of us want it to, making hot showers/baths impossible. These are fun times in the life of the Wolfinbarger clan. Fun times, let me tell you!

This morning my Kindle fell off the elliptical and to it’s demise so the books I was reading are now in limbo. It just doesn’t get any better than this. Thank goodness I have some library books stacked up. Now if only the stir-crazy kids would let me sit still long enough to read them.

And since the pounds are piling on(I still can’t believe how fast!) I think I will go outside to walk/run them off. Oh, wait. I can’t. It’s lung-freezing cold out there.

Um.

Dog-gone-it.

Anticipating this chain of events(I know myself all too well), I ordered a step aerobic workout dvd. I waited and waited and when it finally arrived, oops! They sent the wrong one. I was really angry. The nice people at Amazon refunded my money but it took me another week to get the right one ordered. Still, yesterday, after the third day of the Cookie Apocolypse, the Low Impact Low Barre workout dvd by Cathe Friederich was better than nothing. The only necessary items were a chair, some weights and a resistance band. She emphasized, in the beginning, that this routine was one that dancers typically do to strengthen their muscles. And since I always wanted to be a dancer, I went for it with gusto. The workout was 74 minutes long and very challenging. By the time we got to the ab work I couldn’t lift my legs and had to improvise with crunches. I can’t remember the last time I worked so hard. It was extremely fulfilling when I finished without dying. And today I am sore in places I didn’t know existed so I know I got a really good workout.

Then today, bless our post-lady, she brought me the dvd I actually ordered. It was like second Christmas! I popped it in straight away so I could see what I was in for when my buns stop throbbing(from yesterday’s torture routine). I love step aerobics! And I love Cathe Frederich. But within ten minutes my heart sank. They don’t call it advanced step aerobics for nothing. I figure it will probably take me a year to learn it. Still, I am pretty excited to try. Besides, anything is better than the monotonous elliptical machine. Even spinning around in confusion and trying not to trip over my aerobic step!

I hope everyone is staying warm and dry. And God bless all the creatures trying to survive outside in the cold! As for the Wolfinbarger’s, we are facing our problems head on. Though I had to miss work today because of my dead vehicle, and though my children are trying to maim each other, I am in good spirits. I have a warm fire, Richard Simmons biography, “Still Hungry After All These Years” and Fox News. But if anyone would like to rescue me from the cookies, you are welcome to come visit. And when you leave, I swear I wouldn’t notice if you took one of the beastlets with you. And if I did, I promise not to tell the authorities…