Archive for the The Journey Category

Today I was standing in the break room and heating up my lunch. Sandwiched in between the microwaves and my clandestine toaster(toasters are strictly forbidden but I sneak mine in) are two vending machines. One holds ice cream bars and the other holds an assortment of candy. Each day I while stand and wait for my food to cook, I stare at the machines and contemplate my past. The machines used to torment me, but now I talk back to them.

“You are looking lovely today, oh machine of Blue Bunny ice cream. Your advertising is very colorful.”

“Thank you, Margaret. I am pretty sexy, if I do say so myself. Would you like to sample some of my wares?”

“Your offer is tempting.” I say. “In fact, I remember well what many of your ice cream treats taste like. Most of my food memories are very vivid. But no thank you. Not today.” I turn away and consider the conversation over.

“Psst. Margaret. You look very hungry. It’s been a while since you had a treat. My chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches are chewy and sweet. You should try one.”

I gaze back at the machine which is grinning like a demonic clown. “No, thank you. The thing is, all that so called food is a lie. In fact, there’s not much food in your food. I think I’ll pass.”

“But Margaret…”

“This conversation is over.” I say. And I finish making my lunch.

I have never once purchased anything from those vending machines because to me that is a full relapse. No matter how many poor food choices I make, there are certain lines I don’t cross. There are certain candies I never buy and there are certain fast food restaurants I will probably never eat at again. I have even gone so far as to take my children to places and sit quietly while they eat and I listen to my stomach growl.

I am having success again in controlling my urges to eat continually. I have lost 10 pounds and feel a lot more confident. Every day is not the struggle that it was. I haven’t had ice cream in a few weeks and I don’t miss it any more. I’m trying to be kind to my body and rest too. I tend to push myself too hard most of the time.

We visited the country over Independence Day. We worked really hard and it felt good to step away from the daily grind. In fact, I credit the trip with helping me break free from some of my more recent addictions(peanut butter cookies). Sometimes we all need to step away from our routines to gain clarity in our lives. It really helps!

We put up an outhouse, cut down a tree and stacked it up and I cooked a bunch of meals over the campfire. We slept in tents and washed in the Meramec River. It was glorious! On our final trip to the river I simply stood in the water and watched the creatures swim around my ankles. Various fish including perch, minnows and small bass tickled at my legs. There were several large tadpoles with legs and my favorite thing in the world, crawdads. I stood for such a long time watching all of these beautiful creatures that a large crawdad started pinching my feet. I poked his antennae and he backed off only to come back a minute later and start all over. In the 60 minutes we spent wading and watching I felt all of the trouble and trauma in my life slip away, as if carried off by the water never to return.

I find relief from all my worldly troubles in nature. There is something so pure about watching something I had no hand in creating, that is so breathtakingly beautiful, just be. Sitting in a camp chair watching the stars fall and the moon shine, we could almost forget the neighbors loud music and raucous fireworks at 1:00am.

Today I read a quote by one of my favorite authors, Dean Koontz. He wrote about growing up poor with his alcoholic father, “I always knew happiness was a choice.”

That is what I need to remember when my cravings come on so powerfully. I get to feeling awfully weak and low. I feel like I don’t have the strength to keep resisting and I can’t break my thought cycle of wanting to the point of desperation. But I have a weapon now. I will stop and remember the sheer bliss of standing in a cold river while the fish swam around my ankles. I will remember my boys splashing and giggling hysterically as they captured crawdads and tadpoles. I will sigh again and remember that happiness is a choice.

If you weren’t already aware, I am passionate about living a healthy lifestyle. I believe if I exercise and eat the right food I can live a higher quality of life. I can testify to the fact that neglecting my health, in fact, made a prison of my body. Practically speaking, I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs, visit an amusement park, or shop at a regular size clothing store. I felt the loss of those activities deeply. I wanted to ride a roller coaster but worried the attendant would tell me I wouldn’t fit in the seat. But it was equally torturous to think about changing my eating habits. I was always fairly active. I liked to garden and hike in the woods. I liked to walk around the block with my children in a wagon. I also know that I desperately wanted to wear pretty clothes and not be defined by my size. I remember when a friend told me, “You are so beautiful! You would make a perfect plus sized model.” Just what I always wanted.

There comes a moment in every person’s life where they realize who they are and who they want to be. That moment may come when they are 10 or 80. It may even happen more than once. When it happens, we must make a decision. Will I continue on my present course or will I go in a different direction? It takes great courage to alter the trajectory of one’s life. The social, economic and psychological impact is tremendous so it takes grit and determination to set a goal and then take the steps to get there. Because it is daunting, many people end up in a holding pattern. They are either afraid or unwilling to take the steps necessary to make their dreams come true. Instead, they choose to live with their “might have been’s”.

Procrastination is also one of the devil’s greatest tools. Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow? But the “tomorrow’s” drip into a bucket that eventually fills up and all we are left with is a big soggy mess. We look down on it with regret and wish we could have done things differently. We take our bodies for granted, not realizing how fragile they really are. We have this idea that we are entitled to good health so when it fails we get angry. We feel we should be able to treat our bodies any way we want to with no ills effects, but the consequences of such behavior are frighteningly real. Apathy sets in and pretty soon we are parked in front of the television with our feet up in our recliner while we tune out the voice of reason that says we are wasting our lives. I have never heard a child say, “When I grow up I want to be in such terrible health that I can’t do anything but sit in my house.”

So how do we capture the imaginations of our children to give them hope for the future? Better yet, how do we drag our tired bodies from the inactive lifestyles we live? And why should we? Technology has made it pretty easy not to move.

Death has an interesting way of confronting our indifferent attitudes. I have friends who have had to suffer through the loss of a parent or spouse and have been forced to make amends with the fact that they are finite creatures. Mortality can be shockingly real and having it slap you upside the head can induce the desire to shed bad habits. From eating healthier, to stopping smoking or drinking, they make a choice to live in such a way that they will extend their days for their family members. One of the signature joys in my life is watching a man I knew in my younger days as a head-banging, hard living guy transform into a garden growing, alcohol abhorrent, health conscious fellow. He frequently posts pictures on facebook of his produce and is now attending church. He is on the journey of life, much as I am, but it was the loss of his father to a terminal illness that caused him to confront his own mortality. At some point, all of us encounter the person we are and the person we want to be.

I still struggle with eating the right things and getting the right amount of exercise. But I remember what it felt like to look at that bucket of “might have been’s” and grieve. For that reason, I keep making the effort. Also, I am fully aware that I have witnesses to my behavior. In my immediate sphere I have three boys who, although they like to complain about cauliflower and squash, are learning from my example. What I do in front of them makes a difference. I frequently pray that God will grant me the patience and tenacity to make wise decisions for my children. Even when I think they’re not paying attention, when I live out my life, quietly seeking to learn and grow, I believe I am changing the world around me.

Jon and Tim Foreman sure know how to turn a phrase. Somehow they not only perceive the human condition, but they are able to put words and music to it. This is a piece of their song, “The World You Want.” You start to look like what you believe You float through time like a stream If the waters of time are made up by you and I If you change the world for you, you change it for me

In the world I want no one is afflicted with compulsive eating issues. Grandpa’s don’t die from cancer. I always exercise for fun and not because I’m trying to work off the calories from a sopapilla.

Sometimes I really struggle to write this blog because my personal battle with staying healthy is such a challenge. In moments of clarity, I wax philosophical and talk about how to lose weight and keep it off. I talk about why exercise is important and how it can be fun. On my worst days, when I am clinging to the side of the refrigerator I grieve over my bad choices and try to find the resolve to make better choices in the future. The truth is, I am always looking backward, trying to learn from my mistakes to keep from repeating them. I am hopeful that sharing my story will encourage and inspire others to make positive changes in their lives.

Today I am acutely aware of what might have been but my perspective is quite different. Today I look at the empty bucket and rejoice. I might never have confronted my pain and decided to try to change my world for the better. I might never have decided to stop eating sugar(the single most painful and rewarding decision I have ever made). I might have not taken that first step on the most difficult walk of my life. I might not have lost 140 pounds. What might have been takes on different meaning when we have achieved what we set out to. Instead of being something ugly, it is beautifully freeing.

If you are reading this and have never taken the time or energy to reflect on your life and what you really want out of it, I encourage you to do so. For many years I wanted to ride on a waterslide without fear of climbing the stairs to get to the top. I did it. And it was worth every tear cried, every drop of sweat that soaked into the concrete and every ounce of determination I squeezed out along the way. I have attached the picture of me standing at the end of my dream, sopping wet and grinning like a fool. When I look at this picture and think, “What might have been…?” I am so glad I didn’t give up. I wish you could have seen me that day; running up to the top of the water slide and racing to the bottom. All the lifeguards were laughing at me and I laughed with them. It was funny! And it was wonderful. I plan to live many more days like that day. You should too!

“You take the good you take the bad you take ’em both and then you have the facts of life.”

So goes the theme song from the popular 80’s show that defined my childhood. I watched Tootie roller skate, Blair, primp, and Joe, work on cars. I sympathized with Natalie, whose body style did not fit with the “thin and pretty” crowd. In my own way, I wanted to be all of them. I would roller skate around my neighborhood, I would style my hair and I would look on as my dad worked on our vehicles. I would read books and savor chocolate, but in time I came to understand that, alas, I am just boring old Margaret.

This morning I was listening to Focus on the Family. They had a segment on dads writing letters to their wives and children. My dad has never written me a letter. Neither has my husband. The few cards I have received with their precious handwritten notes I keep securely tucked in a Rubbermaid tub in my attic, where mice and mold will eventually get them. As I listened I felt the familiar seed of envy creep up in my heart again. It’s the same feeling as when I see thin and pretty girls at the office eating candy and cookies. It’s the same familiar pang I feel each time my boss leaves on an extravagant trip while I stay back to take care of administrative matters. I feel it when I walk around my neighborhood—the nice lawns, shapely awnings and colorful front porches. Alas, my body and my things, my life and my children are not as good as those of other people. I am still just boring old Margaret.

It is so easy to get caught up in the envy trap. Does it make me happy to be envious of others? No. It makes me absolutely miserable. But I find myself living there more often than I would like. My thought patterns take me to a place I should not go and pretty soon I am one crabby girl.

Today is a day of suffering for me. I have been dealing with a pinched nerve in my neck and it is not fun. My left arm throbs. My hand tingles and goes numb. My back aches. I have been making regular trips to the chiropractor, which does help, but I’m still not healed. My knee is bad, so I can no longer run. And I’ve been eating cookies and ice cream. Alas, I am not one of the skinny pretty girls who can eat whatever they want and never gain a pound, so today I am wearing the largest pair of pants in my closet and they are too tight.

I am burned out on eating healthy all the time. I’m tired of feeling the pressure of making healthy choices and still feeling miserable. And so the cookies win. They do make me feel better for a while. I look forward to that comfort more than any other, which disturbs my heart. Why do I have to love food so much?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Margaret is depressed. Well, maybe. Except that I also have perspective on my situation. This is life. Life will not always be fun or easy. And while it appears that the people that surround me have better lives than I do, they do not. So when I find myself in these patterns of envy and despair, I choose to look on the bright side. In other words, I count my blessings. Last night as I lay in bed I thought about the day and all the terrible foods I put into my body. Instead of giving myself 30 lashes I thought about my nice, warm, bed. My youngest beastlet was tucked in beside me and we spent several minutes praying together. In his fumbling way he asked God to forgive his sin and I asked God to help me eat better tomorrow. When we were finished I thought about how fortunate I am to have a bed in a nice, dry house. I considered that there are many people living in the world today who have no home. They live in a tent or under a bridge, or with their mother(yes, you can laugh. I hope to never live with my mother again). Last night I found great comfort in my bed. My house may not be as nice as other peoples, but it is mine. I have my doggies and my children, and yes, even my crabby husband who never writes me love notes. Last night we were safe and warm and dry.

This morning I got up and pulled on my workout clothes. They, too, are tight. I did my crunches, planks and lifted the weights high over my head. I didn’t think about the struggles I would have with food again today. I didn’t think about my husband’s truck and the failing engine is that going to cost many thousands of $$ to fix, thus nixing any vacation plans we had. I didn’t think about diabetes or any of the other many issues we are facing as a family. I thought about how good it felt to move my body. Strengthening my muscles makes me feel good inside and out. I talked to my children about patience, kindness, and respect while they dutifully rolled their eyes at me(but I know they hear me). Today I enjoyed working out because it is fun. And I will keep working out because I love to move. So if you see me and you notice that I’m not as lithe as I used to be, don’t be too hard on me. I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances. I trust God to help me keep working on my food addiction and to give me the grace not to give up. And I choose not to compare myself to others, because right now the biggest blessings in my life don’t need to be extravagant. I choose to be content with simple pleasures. And today, I choose to be content with my fuller figure because it means I am not hungry, like so many millions of children and adults who struggle with finding a decent meal, much less a suitable shelter over their heads.

Today, live your life with the knowledge that you are supremely blessed. You may not have the job you want, the spouse you want, or perfect children, but if you look closely at your life, choose to accept the things you can’t change and change the things you can. Love! Continue to hope for the future. And above all else, don’t give up.