Archive for the The Journey Category

I want to broach a topic many of us are reluctant to address. For those of you who don’t feel you have a problem with binge eating, God bless you! For those who judge others for their excess weight or lack of it, take note – food addicted/afflicted people are humans beings who deserve our compassion not condescension. For those in the trenches, take heart! You are not alone.

I recently made a new friend who was gracious enough to confide that she used to sneak food as a child. She was heavy in grade school and high school and struggles to maintain her weight as an adult. She has an obese parent who has lost hope and she is desperately trying to help her children maintain a healthy body image and be nutritionally sound. She is a gift to me because so many people dare not talk about such things because of the associated shame. The National Eating Disorder Association quotes a national study that estimates half a million adolescents struggle with an eating disorder or disordered eating. They also state that 20 million women and 10 million men struggle or have struggled with an eating disorder in their lifetime. That’s a lot of people! As a teenager I watched enough after school programs to know what bulimia and anorexia looked like, but I never considered for a moment that I had a problem with food. I just knew I liked to eat…a lot!

I am a binge eater and struggle to put food in its proper context: something that nourishes—not harms—the body. I am ashamed at my lack of control even as I tout living a healthy lifestyle. For me, binge eating is not a matter of “If” but rather, “when.” When I chose to indulge my psychological need to consume vast quantities of food for the sole purpose of pleasure, I deeply wound myself. I feel I am no different than the cocaine addict who keeps chasing the high. I wonder what it is about my chemical makeup that my predisposition is to reach for food when I am sad, or happy, or breathing. I wish there was a way for me to enjoy certain foods and feel completely satisfied after consuming them, but there is not. This doesn’t just apply to sugar or carb laden foods. I will overeat just about anything. In fact, you could say I am a compulsive eater. I love the feeling I get when I eat large quantities of food and if I do not exercise self-control, will continue to eat until I am sick.

I know this blog post is a little depressing but I want to offer hope to those who struggle. I will always struggle with my desire to eat but I have learned that my body can be mastered. I am no longer a slave to food or my desire for it. I have the freedom to walk away from things I really want (like ice cream, cookies and cake) because I have changed the way I view and consume food. I no longer look at ice cream with wide-eyed innocence. I know it is high in sugar and fat and will hurt my body even though I sometimes want to eat it anyway! Depending on my mood, a nibble can turn into an all-out feeding frenzy as I move from one unhealthy food product to the next. I won’t pretend it’s easy, but I have learned that the more I make healthy food choices, and the less I confuse my body with blood sugar fluctuations, the better I am equipped to combat my mental roadblocks in regards to processed foods. Knowledge really is power.

When all else fails, and I find myself at the end of the kitchen counter with a pile of containers and wrappers fanned out around me, I force myself not to despair. I found myself in just such a place Wednesday night. It hurts to give in to my food lust and realize, once again, how powerless I really am. I had to fight through a food hangover yesterday and the subsequent weight gain associated with binge eating. I forced myself to exercise and, I won’t lie, it didn’t feel great. When I overload my body with calories, it gets extremely sluggish. Funny how I don’t think about that when I’m gobbling down my husband’s gooey butter cake.

The point to all of this is—I could give up. I could, metaphorically speaking, throw in the towel and make a decision to eat myself back to misery. That’s the easy lie of food addiction. Consume to numb the pain while I’m really making the pain worse. Food will never fill the holes in my heart as desperately as I want it too. I must resist the lies and cling to my personal truths. God loves me just as I am. My family loves me, flaws and all. I am a valuable person even when I slip up and binge. Yes, it feels better for a moment, but it will steal my hope and joy if I let it gain traction in my life. I am not defined by my clothing size, but my quality of life is important. There is no easy path when one is dealing with addiction. There is only sobriety or drunkenness and both are painful in their own way.

I remember watching a movie years ago about a man who decided to give into his alcoholism and drink himself to death. He gave up on his family, literally and symbolically, as he burned their pictures. He was tired of fighting. Someone came along during the movie and tried to save him but because of his deep despair, he rejected that help and died. It was a poignant reminder of what awaits all addicts who reject hope. I remember being horrified by someone who would walk away from the people who loved him because he “needed” to drink. I suppose that is why people call addiction a disease…those who suffer and struggle don’t always understand why they keep going back—why it takes hold of a life and wrings the hope from it. The first step in fighting any addiction is to recognize the lie that there is no hope. We all make choices and no one promised us life would be easy. We all suffer with something, be it physical or mental infirmity, psychological torment, addiction or depression. To be human is to suffer in some capacity. But we must never stop hoping. Life is precious…much too precious to continue to make choices that only cause us pain.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my boss where I told him I never refuse to try new things anymore. I used to be so set in my opinions and preferences that when someone asked me to try something new(i.e. Salmon, Brussel Sprouts or cabbage) I stuck up my nose and said, “Uh, uh! No way, Jose. Nicht!” But when I finally opened my eyes and heart to trying new things I discovered an entirely new world of favorite things(see the list above).

This morning I tried something I have never tried before…walking in sub zero temperatures. By sub-zero I mean, the thermometer actually said “0”. Last week I walked outside when it read “10” and I thought that was a pretty bold move. You see, I’m a risk taker. I like to live on the edge(of sanity). I like to push the boundaries of cuckoo until i fall into the oblivion of utterly dumb. That’s me. With 3 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, and 2 hats. Honestly, I’ve never had snot freeze to my upper lip before. See, there’s a first time for everything!

Saturday was another first. I have a Cathe Friedrich cardio blast dvd that has been languishing in a box. I pulled that sucker out and challenged myself to do the 70 minute advanced class without stopping. I learned 2 things in that hour and change… I’m a lot more spry that I gave myself credit for(I was able to do the whole thing without pooping out) and my sashay looks nothing like hers! She is as graceful as a swan extending its wings. I look more like a humpback whale trying to breach.

This cold weather is forcing me to get creative. I suppose I could chuck it all in and quit working out but that’s just not who I am anymore. If I miss a work-out I get seriously crabby. As in, I’ve got my eye poking stance nailed down and I’m not afraid to use it. Spending so much time indoors is enough to make even normal people kooky so my efforts to stay in shape are saving countless eyeballs.

I want to be brutally honest here, I don’t like winter. I used to–when I had more padding, but now it’s just miserable. The one down side of living a healthy lifestyle and shedding pounds is that one tends to get very, very cold. For that reason I am counting the days until Spring arrives. I can’t wait to see the trees budding, the bulbs sprouting and the children chasing each other around the house trying to brain each other with big sticks. This year I plan to do a lot of water-sliding, bike riding and standing in the river while the fish nibble my legs. (Why do they do that anyway?) Winter is for the birds. And I don’t even think they like it!

Today I took the road less traveled. It was cold. I took a wrong turn, and I got lost. My 60 minute walk turned into 90 and I wrecked my knee. But I was happy doing it. Today might be my last day but I didn’t waste a second. I walked my buns off. I ate Chick-Fil-A ice cream(Becky–I couldn’t take the craving any more!) And I laughed with a new friend at work. So here’s a shout out to all those kids who mercilessly teased me in grade school, I’m Marge! I’m (not as)large but I’m totally in charge(of my life). I’m happy and healthy and Cathe Friedrich has taught me how to totally kick your butt(aerobically speaking). Life really just doesn’t get any better than this!

The past month has been very busy for me. There is a great deal of upheaval in my life and each day brings its own set of new challenges. I have faced fresh disappointments and I have a few new scars on my heart. I’m tired and I long for peace and rest. Instead I am sick. A virus is wreaking havoc on my body and I’m frustrated by my limitations. To be honest, I feel like I’m losing hope.

Recently I was trying to teach my six-year-old son how to tie his shoes. For many months he would say to me, “I can’t do it!” He would ball up his fists, squinch his face and cry. His mindset was completely locked out. It wasn’t that he couldn’t learn how to tie his shoes, but rather, that he refused to try.

Over the Christmas break I was sitting in the car with him waiting. His shoes were untied and I asked if I could show him how to tie them again. He said the usual things, “I can’t do it. You can’t make me.” I resisted the urge to lose my temper. Instead I said, “Let me tell you a story.”

Once there was a girl who was very unhealthy. She felt that her situation was hopeless and that she would never find happiness. One day she became so hurt and disgusted with her lot in life that she decided to try to change it. She began a very difficult journey, one she felt was impossible. But she didn’t stop when she felt the hard things. She didn’t quit. She pushed through and accomplished the very goal she thought was the most impossible. I am that girl.

He looked up at me in awe and I said to him, “Sometimes when things feel most difficult, whether we feel like it or not, we have to try. Now, can I show you one more time how to tie your shoes?”

He nodded.

I had shown him how to tie his shoes more times than I could count but this time was different. This time he made his first, real concerted effort and he was successful. He learned how to tie his shoes that day because someone took the time to walk with him through the difficulty. I know it seems simple–everyone learns how to tie their shoes, right? But for him, in that moment, that hill was unclimbable. He had set it up in his mind as this impossible thing but my words of encouragement helped him achieve his goal.

Sometimes when we are in the midst of the hardest things we get lost with the impossibleness of our situations. Instead of putting on our hiking boots and wading through the mud, we shut down. We say, “That hill is too steep. I won’t do it. I can’t. Then we throw away the only key that can open that door. Sometimes we even try to pretend the door doesn’t exist. Now isn’t that silly?

I wish this world was an easier place to navigate. I wish parents and children didn’t die. I wish like-minded people always agreed. I wish my path was always clear. Unfortunately, it’s not.

I haven’t slept well the past few nights. A serious head cold has shut down my nasal passages and I find it difficult to get the rest I desperately need. I’m left alone in the darkness with my thoughts, an overactive imagination and regrets. Too many, in fact, to count. But I refuse to be defined by mistakes I made in the past. My course may be uncharted but I have some really great maps. My creator guides my steps, even when they falter.

I refuse to quit. I’m not going to give up or give in to my fear of failing, my anger at the mundane and deferred hope. Sure, the waters are choppy, but this isn’t my first storm. I’m battening down the hatches and I’m clinging to the one who holds my future. He’s not a genie but he does hear my wishes. And I am content in knowing he knows what is best for my life. I just need to remember that when I am frustrated and angry–feeling hopeless and fearful because of my perceived locked doors…

…my savior holds the key. And he knows the exact right time to unlock those doors. I just need to be patient. His timing is perfect. And I need to keep my heart ready to walk through when the time is right.