Have you ever wanted something that you couldn’t have? Something so precious that you felt somehow smaller for the wanting of it? When you saw someone else who had the thing that you wanted, just standing next to that person was excruciating. You wanted to like that person and be happy for them, but your heart hurt thinking about how they didn’t even care that they had the thing that you wanted. In fact, they would even complain about it. What was it? A husband? A job? A house? Does it really matter? I’m not talking about envy or greed. I’m talking about something legitimate. Something as simple as food when you’re hungry, or money when you’re in debt. The longing for it swells, and maybe it overwhelms you so much that you retreat to a dark place where no one can see your pain. You might even tuck the pain deep inside and pretend it isn’t there. And if by chance someone happens to notice it, or even worse, tries to make you talk about it, you begin to feel weak and hopeless, but rather than express it, you come up with excuses for it because you know better than anybody that there is nothing you can do to about it. You will always want the thing and you will never get it and that’s just the way it is.
Have you ever felt rejected? Have you poured out your life for someone only to have that person say they never want to see you again and walk away forever? Have you lain in the smoldering wreckage of your loneliness and just gasped for breath? You want to take medicine to stop the pain but no one has invented a balm for the broken heart. So just you lay there like a fish gasping for water while your soul shrivels and cracks and breaks into a million pieces. You want to stand and be strong but the best you can do is fake a smile and pretend.
Have you ever come to the end of yourself? Have you done everything right and still ended up with a broken spirit? Maybe the diet didn’t work. You were fired from the perfect job. The test results say stage 4 cancer and you know the pain is coming but right at that moment, all you feel is numb. And you want someone to hold you and take the pain away but no one can. So you crawl under the covers and silently pray for a miracle. But hope is a match someone lit at the other side of the room and worry is the gust of wind that just came along and blew it out.
Maybe you figure you’ll wrap up your pain with a tidy bow of activity. There is always a task or project to work on and you figure if you just keep busy and don’t let your thoughts wander too much, somehow you’ll make it through. But sometimes you wake up at 2:00am in the middle of winter and your heart is raked so sore that you have to step outside in the cold and stare at the stars just so you can remember what it feels like to stop hurting for a moment. The stars don’t judge who you are or what you’ve done. They don’t tell you that you’ve failed or that you were never good enough. They don’t lie or cheat or steal from you. They merely twinkle. They give a simple gift of loveliness, and there is something so soothing about a silent wonder that will be beautiful just because it can.
Do you ever wonder about those stars? At 2:00am they seem like more than rocks floating in the sky. Where did they come from? Who made them? Why do they sparkle in the vast emptiness of space? They live in the dark and yet they continue to shine. They reflect the glory of something they can’t touch and continue on alone, but somehow not alone. And suddenly, maybe, just maybe, in the cold, still night you realize you’re not alone either. Maybe you realize that the thing you want isn’t nearly as impossible as you thought it was.
Wherever you are in your journey tonight, I want you to know you are not alone. You are not unlovable or unloved. Your situation is not hopeless. We all face storms, but if we are very brave, we keep walking even when the darkness of our souls tries to choke us. If we are strong enough to not lie down and die, we can emerge stronger and more beautiful than even the brightest star in the sky.
