I have been reading a pretty good book by Dean Koontz called, “Ashley Bell” in which the main character, Bibi Blair, faces some pretty daunting situations. When she is most afraid she calls herself “a valiant girl” in order to give herself courage. She will say something like, “Valiant girls do not go mad,” and then run off to face her fears. The more I read about her, the more I want to be like her. The problem is, I’m not a fictional character in a book. I’m real. At least I think I’m real. And my problems are pretty real too.
I recently celebrated the completion of my very first 3 minute plank. Now you have to understand that I never thought a 2 minute plank was possible, but I have learned over time that if I ignore my brain and try anyway, I often find that I can accomplish heretofore thought impossible things. So last weekend when I was holding my position and miraculously managed to pass the 2 minute mark, I wondered if I could hold for 15 more seconds. So I tried. And when I made it I wondered if I could hold for 15 more. And I did! And when I wondered if I could make it to 3 minutes, I thought, “I will probably die, but I should try it anyway.” And so I celebrated by posting my accomplishment on facebook, because you know it didn’t really happen if you don’t post it on facebook. And everyone congratulated me. And I was the queen for a day. And it was so totally awesome. Until I woke up the next morning and realized that wasn’t the end of my story. Because for every 3 minute plank, there is a triple scoop ice cream cone hiding around the corner waiting to take me down like the weak chump I really am.
“Bibi needed to gather her courage; the one good thing about doing so was that, given how little courage she still had, she didn’t waste much time in the gathering of it.” –Dean Koontz via Ashley Bell
Sometimes gathering courage feels like trying to build a fire with wet moss. No matter how many times you stick a match into the moss, the result is always the same; a small pfft–and then a little wisp of smoke as the match burns out. At least that how I felt this morning when I was trying for the 3 minute plank again. I realized I was a “little off my feed” but still, 2.15 felt like a failure. Every exercise I tried to do felt like my imitation of a wet noodle pretending to be dry. But I pressed through it because, truthfully, I don’t trust my body. Years ago my body told me “fat is the answer.” In case you were wondering, the question was, “Who are you?” So now I really struggle to listen to my body. I push through the hopeless/helpless feeling like a duck hunter wading through mud. I know there’s a duck out there somewhere, I just have to find it. Then I will shoot that sucker and…well…somehow that analogy breaks down because I like ducks. They are pretty. So never mind. But you get my point. Sometimes I don’t feel good and I push forward anyway because that is what valiant girls do.
So I was at the doctors office last week and the kind, well-intentioned doctor told me to “take it easy” over the weekend. And I said, “What does that mean? It’s supposed to be nice on Saturday and I want to ride my bike.” And she smiled and nodded and said, “I understand. You should do that. Just don’t go up any big hills or anything too strenuous.” And I started laughing like the perfectly ridiculous cartoon character I am and said, “You don’t know me very well, do you?! You may as well tell me to staple my lips to the ceiling. That would be easier than “taking it easy.” Because I have become so accustomed to pushing through “the hard” that it’s really challenging distinguish between valiance and lunacy.
I saw a woman at work today who had lost a fair amount of weight. She has gained it all back. Just like that. I bet one day of resting turned into two and then ten. And I’ll bet she was “listening to her body” while she ate a high calorie meal and promised herself she would make up for it another day. The struggle is real folks! So yeah, when someone tells me to “take it easy” I’ll definitely take the lip-stapling to the ceiling, thank-you-very-much!
“Valiant girls are spunky and resolute.” –Dean Koontz via Ashley Bell
Facing food addiction and depression is tough stuff. And the hardest thing about it is that I can’t trust my body. My brain lies to me. My muscles lie to me. And all of my thoughts are a tangle of “Do this! No do that!” And it is all so confusing sometimes and I really just feel so freaking crazy! Que the deep, cleansing breaths.
I guess my point to all of this is that I continue to put one foot in front of the other. I made it through my workout this morning, even though I wasn’t in tip top form. And that’s okay. I accept that. Because even though I felt kind-of weak and crappy at the time, 2 hours later I felt like a million ducks. And this past weekend, I only did a couple of hills and then I found a back country road and sang an Eagles song. And I’ll bet you will never guess which one.
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