The Discipline of Not Quitting When I Most Want To

Sometimes I have a really hard time fighting the voices in my head. The voices that tell me I’ve failed because I’ve gained weight and am struggling to restrain my food intake. The voices that screech that I can’t exercise hard enough or long enough to burn enough calories to lose the weight again, so I may as well just give up and eat some cookies. The voices that pound at me that I’m less of a person or not good enough and I should just give up. Maybe it’s winter and I’m cold and tired, but this relentless onslaught is wearing on me. So I thought I would share with my readers what I am doing to combat these insidious voices in the hopes that you will be encouraged and inspired not to give up with me.

Is this what beauty looks like?

The voices are liars. My self-worth is not dependent on the shape of my body. This morning I picked up a Wall Street Journal magazine I brought home from work. It depicts Karlie Kloss in various poses with real rocket ships(though one hardly notices the ships). I noticed how thin and frail she looks, and how our culture has obviously decided this is the physical standard for which all women should adhere to. I just have one question….why? If the goal is to be attractive to the opposite sex and induce lust, how does that contribute to women as human beings instead of objects of gratification? If it is an encouragement for women to look like that, I don’t want that. I think she looks silly. And I’m not saying that because I’m jealous of her body type. I’m saying that because I don’t want to walk around starving all the time just so I can be attractive to the opposite sex. I am more than that.

The voices are liars. My self-worth is not dependent on the state of my mental faculties. Sometimes I’m sad for no reason. I can’t process information. I can’t even formulate a proper response when people speak to me. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m stressed out. Am I less of a person because I can’t contribute to the conversation at any given moment? Maybe I let someone gossip and didn’t correct them. Or maybe I stared at my computer too long instead of producing the desired amount of work. I must remember my body is fragile and needs to rest. I cannot push and push all the time. I need to forgive myself. I’m always telling my children to be kind. Today I am telling me to be kind….to myself.

The voices are liars. My self-worth is not dependent on success or failure. I need to quit thinking I’m a loser just because I’ve put on a few pounds. It doesn’t mean I’ve failed the war. For that matter, what am I really fighting for? I want to be healthy. I want to feel good and do the physical things I love like exploring nature and climbing a hill without feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack. At this point in my life I am able to control this with diet and exercise. Some people cannot. I should be grateful I can still fight. So am I really losing? Heck no. I’m winning by a landslide!

The voices are liars. My self-worth is not dependent on my feelings at any given moment. I can’t trust my feelings. This is why good friends and my family are so important. I need them to speak into my life at my low moments and remind me that I am loved–regardless of anything else. Because real friends love me regardless of how much I weigh, and they love me even if my hair is grody and I stink, or if I’m sick. Feelings are transient. They are an important part of my anatomy, but they are not the most important thing, and they are definitely not to be trusted when I don’t feel good.

I saw a squirrel, Mom!

Yesterday I was feeling very low. I didn’t want to exercise. I wanted to rest. So I didn’t. And then in the afternoon I felt like exploring, so I took my best little guy, my buddy Tank, and we went to Cuivre River State Park and hiked along Big Sugar Creek. It was cold and it was muddy. And we had so much fun, even though we only lasted about 2 hours. We listened to Slugs and Bugs on the drive home and laughed about eating beans. And then we cuddled. The sunlight helped, and so did the fresh air. I’ll admit, I am SO over winter right now.

This morning arrived and I felt no better. I realized I needed to make a decision. I could either stay in bed and start eating cookies, or vegetate on the couch with the news(all of which will only make my mood worse), OR I could try to exercise and put myself in the right mental state. I knew I might not get there, but I had to at least try. So I pulled out the yoga mat and did strength training. And then for fun I did some step aerobics. And then, I ate a yummy salad with avocado, tomatoes, onions and cheese instead of the grilled cheese I really wanted. And then I put bread with peanut butter out for the birds and watched my favorite wren nibble on it. And honestly, I don’t physically feel that much better, but mentally I feel fantastic. Because sometimes trying means winning, and it is the single most important thing we can do.

Living a healthy lifestyle is not for the faint of heart. It is a discipline that must be practiced ESPECIALLY when I don’t feel like it and ESPECIALLY when the voices in my head won’t stop badgering me. Today if you are reading this and you feel helpless and hopeless, listen to these words…

Step outside yourself when you can’t find beauty inside

Your life has meaning and value.

You are not alone in your struggles.

Do not, under any circumstances, quit.

Success and failure are not gauged by the scale or by what other people think of you.

Every life has value. From the person who cannot rise from their hospital bed to the obese person who struggles to climb the stairs(that was me!). And that is a good reminder to myself today. I can still rise of my own accord. And I have a lot of people who love me. I am blessed beyond measure. But even if those two things were not true of my life, I would still have value. Because the greatest truth I know is that God loves me and cares about me. And that is a precious truth indeed.

Sometimes rest is as simple as a gurgling creek

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30)