Right before I woke up this morning I had a dream. Now, normally I wouldn’t talk about my dreams in this venue but this was the first step of an important thought process for me. As you probably know, dreams often reflect our sub-conscious thoughts. In my dream I met the woman who insulted me three years ago and set me on the path to better health. If you know my that piece of my story feel free to skip the next paragraph.
A woman at work, who was relatively thin, stopped by my desk and began talking about the new(at the time) healthcare proposal. She ventured to suppose that the entire health care crisis could be solved if obese people were excluded from plans simply because of their weight. She posited that fat people were unhealthy on purpose and as a result soaked up too much medical space. Subtract fat people and experience health care utopia. Well, 310 pound Margaret was fairly insulted and an interesting conversation ensued wherein I did not stick up for myself, only gave excuses, and she walked away more full of herself than ever. That conversation was a major catalyst in my decision to try to get healthy. She really ticked me off. I hated that woman for a long time but more recently my feelings toward her have softened. After all, if she hadn’t made me so upset, I honestly don’t believe I would be where I am today.
In my dream I came face to face with that woman and do you know what I did? I hugged her. And I said “Thank you so much!” I thought about this as I walked outside this morning and I realized something about myself. I often tell myself I am not capable of doing certain things and I give up before I even try. But when someone tells me I CAN’T do something, I set my mind in stone that I absolutely CAN. For some reason I like to prove to people that I’m better than they think I am. Call it stubbornness or hard-headedness(as my husband calls it). I like to prove people wrong.
Well, my job is often a very frustrating thing for me. And sometimes I have to do terrible tasks that I loathe. I make myself do them so I don’t get fired but I don’t enjoy them AT ALL. Well, last week I was given another such task but this one is the worst ever. I worked 11 hours last Friday and left at 6:30pm in tears, feeling like the biggest failure in the world because I couldn’t wrap my mind around the enormity of it. I resolved that I would rather quit my job than do it and spent the entire weekend trying hard not to think about what today would bring. But during my walk this morning I had this epiphany and fireworks went off in my brain. If someone told me I COULD’NT do the most recent task, I would set my mind like flint to do it and do it well. And then a little light bulb went on over my head. I don’t need someone to tell me I can’t do something to force me to prove them wrong. I can just do it. The sun touched my face with its warm rays in that moment and I smiled. Then, I decided to really try. I realized that even if I fail at least I would succeed in doing my very best.
Well I took a big bite out of that task today. And it was grueling work. And I spent every brain cell I had and I’ve only scratched the surface of the project. But I am SO proud of myself for trying.
I have lost 140 pounds. It did not happen over night. In the beginning it was utterly overwhelming. I thought it was impossible. Today I know differently. And it has changed my perspective on life. Someday I’m going to run into that woman for real. And when I do, I’m going to hug her just like I did in my dream. And I’m going to tell her that she was the catalyst that forced me to face my demons and slay them one forked tongue at a time.
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